Dear Ask A Punk – My son is 14 - going on 26. He’s punk rock little kid, and I’m cool with that. My husband and I are no strangers to the mosh pit – we went to see The Ramones on our third date. So I’m absolutely fine with the music and the crazy hair - he has gorgeous hair, like his father used to have, and the skateboard and all of it. He’s an awesome little guy – also like his father still is. He looks authentically punk rock, and is, but he’s still a sweetheart and a good kid. We’re letting him express himself in the ways our parents didn’t, so of course both sets of grandma and grampa don’t exactly approve of a boy with green hair and they makes as much of a fuss about it as possible. We’re not permissive parents. We just believe in self-expression, but like I said, he is at heart a good and trustworthy kid. He has done stuff that has earned our respect as people, not just parents. but now - and there’s always a ‘but’ – He wants a pet, and not dog or a cat but an iguana or some kind of lizard I can’t pronounce, and I just don’t think it is a good idea. I don’t even know where the idea came from. We’re not big ‘pet people’ neither of us had pets as kids, but I’ve got nothing against them exactly, so I’m wondering what’s wrong with a dog or a cat? My husband thinks he is just trying to be cool for someone but I am seriously starting to think that this is just his way of finding something, even something minor, to battle with us over… All because my first reaction was an uncharacteristic “no way” …which I said more out of surprise than out of “official parental decision” but now he’s dug in about it. It seems so silly. He of course doesn’t want to talk about his ‘reasons’ just that he wants one. I’m not so sure he would be able to take care of it, really. And I just don’t feel like having to feed and take care of a lizard for god knows how long, you know? I mean what’s the point? It’s a lizard. They have tiny brains and they don’t exactly ever feel like a “member of the family.? So what do you suggest? - Lizard Queen.
Dear LQ -
Sorry to break the news to you mom, but at 14 he isn't any sort of "little kid" anymore. Some of what you're experiencing is undoubtedly him pushing back from the feeling that his mom still thinks he's just a "little kid." ...so you might want to work on changing your vocabulary when talking to him or about him, espcially when he can hear you talking about him... Kids are like spies, like double-agents. They hear everything... especially when they're pretending not to listen.
Back when I was a kid (of 11) , I wanted a cat, or a dog. I didn’t care which, I just really wanted a pet. My mom’s initial response was “We’ll see” …which is a of course every parent’s favorite stalling technique…Not as definitive and stand-off provoking as “No Way,” but certainly an opening salvo in the game of “No Way.” So, being the crafty kid that I was, I started researching pet SKUNKS. I got some books on the subject from the library and got some pamphlets from local pet stor and I left all of it stacked up on the dining room table.... very soon after that, my mom and I opened a constructive dialogue on the pros, cons & responsibilities of CAT ownership. A few weeks later we picked up a kitten who indeed became a member of the family for the next 13 years.
I bring up this story because you mention that you’re not “pet people.” I think there is a good chance your quick-witted son picked up on that vibe quicker than I did at that age, and just preemptively lobbed in the Iguana request, so that he could negotiate down from there.
The other possibility is that he really does want an Iguana. Your husband could be right, maybe the kid just thinks it would up his cool quotient …but usually kids just going for a pet with freak-out value or ‘cool factor’ will want a snake of some kind. Was your son one of those kids who was really into dinosaurs when he was a little tyke? The first thing anyone with an Iguana will tell you is: “Dude, they’ve basically a living dinosaur.” (and yes, they almost always say ‘Dude’ first.) …so were there ever any hints that he has a scientific interest in the creatures?
If the kid is serious, truth be told, you’re probably getting off easy with an Iguana. Iguanas are vegetarians, which is a lot easier to deal with than say, having to feed live mice to a pet snake. Whether or not Iguanas have any personality or not… I don’t know. I’ve never met one, and if I were to say they’re just reptiles with tiny pea-brains that can think only of food & shelter, someone will write in and say: “Dude, you are so wrong. My Iguana loves me.” Well, Selma and JubJub always seem so happy together, so who am I to judge?
Are you seriously anti-pet? or has the issue never really come up. Maybe because you never had a dog or a cat yourself, you’re a little freaked out about having to care for an animal… but hey! You kept the kid alive for 14 years, so you’ve obviously got some skills. You just might discover that a good dog or cat is something you never knew you were missing.
First off though, I think you have to go with the assumption that the kid simply wants an Iguana (you can always figure out why he wants it later.) You don’t strike me as the type of parents who will just throw down a non-negotiable “No goddamned pets… EVER” edict and leave it at that…
So do some serious research:. Find out: what they cost, where you might get one, how long they live, what they eat, how much space they need etc. Basically figure out what it takes in time and MONEY to keep an iguana alive and relatively happy. After you do that, you need to schedule an official family meeting/pow-wow to get all the issues out on the table. Keep it low pressure. Have him present his reasons for wanting an Iguana specifically, and a pet in general. Of course emphasize the fact that he would be responsible for the pet and lay down specific consequences to him and the Iguana if he slacks off or loses interest.
Then see if you can talk him down to a dog or a cat instead. Take him to the local SPCA and see if some furry face & sad pair of eyes peering hopefully out of a dank cage doesn’t melt his little punk rock heart.
....and whatever you do, don’t even mention snakes.
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