The Party is Over.

Greetings All-
Last week I said I was hoping to get some questions that were more on-target punk-rock wise. I got them. Here is this week's...

Dear Ask A Punk –
I’m just now 21. I spent almost a year in a lockdown “facility.” Not a criminal one but a mental health one. It wasn’t like a prison and it wasn’t some weird horror story. It’s just what it was. I was a mess. In a lot of ways I still am, but I was really bad before. Doing everything from drinking and drugs, serious drugs, to fucking around and not eating and cutting myself. My family finally put me away and as fucked up as I was, I was glad to go, and I got a lot of help. I’m not cured or anything, but I’m better. I like my therapist, she’s great and I’m on meds and all that. I’m back home and my family is supportive, but they still don’t quite get it. They blame my problems on my friends and how they led me down the wrong road and all that… but I keep telling them that I chose those friends because consciously or not, I wanted to go down that wrong road so I’m the one who found THEM and not visaversa. They think If I wear bright dresses and listen to happier music I’ll be better. If they had their way, they would burn my entire music collection. If you saw me you could guess what I listen to and you would be right I suppose. They just don’t get it. How do I make them get it? Darky

Dear Darky
I don’t want to cop out on your question, but I’ll remind you that I’m no mental health expert, and I hope, HOPE that you are discussing these sorts of issues at length with your therapist… Not only is she trained, she also knows more about your situation than I could ever guess from your 200 word question. That said, I WILL say this much:

Your question is a tricky one. Give your family credit for the amount that they DO get it. At least they got you help, they are standing beside you and they’re trying to make sense of it all… believe me, you’re luckier than a lot of kids in that respect. I’m older now, but I lost my share of friends “back in the day.” Many of them were creative, spirited & lovely souls who crashed & burned in ways that weren’t poetic or epic in their tragedy. Their futures (and by that I sometimes mean "lives") were extinguished in ugly, brutal and ultimately banal ways. Sad and clichéd wastes of what could have been interesting, even magical, lives.

I hope and assume also that your family members are either part of your therapy or in therapy on their own to sort this all out. Chances are your folks are still dealing with guilt issues. It is so much easier to blame your friends or your music for what happened to you… no, “easier” is the wrong word… I should say it is less PAINFUL for them to blame your friends or your music etc than it is to look inward and figure out what family troubles or dynamics might have led to your jumping on the self-destruction train. Try to forgive them for that, just like you have to forgive yourself. Every day. If you got even the tiniest bit better today and if they got even the tiniest bit more clued in, then you’re all moving in the right direction. I recommend patience and trust in the process.

I assume that you’re avoiding all of those old friends now…not because your parents want you to, but because (as you said) you know you sought them out in the first place because you were sick and trying to get sicker. You're trying to get better now. You’ll find new friends and they’ll be part of your recovery, not your destruction.

As far as the issue of your music goes… Heck, even the parents of “well-adjusted” children (whatever that means) usually hate the music their kids listen to… so part of that IS normal… but in your case it is obviously an even more loaded issue. You have to admit that hearing certain songs/bands could probably trigger some bad memories or repressed issues. So why not make it easier on yourself FOR NOW, by giving the punk/goth/industrial sounds a rest. They’ll always be there for you to go back to if/when you want. …and don’t think of it as “giving in” to your parents' demands either, because maybe THAT whole power struggle is a bigger part of wanting to keep your music than the music itself is… Think of it as “letting go” instead of “giving in,” know what I mean? Find something new to listen to for a little while (heck Mozart was, after all, a Punk for his time) you might surprise yourself and discover something new to like. I know I put down my guitar COMPLETELY for a few years because the act of playing it was too closely tied to some of my own personal darknesses… I eventually picked it back up when I was finally ready and able to handle it again…. just like “your music” will still be there two months or two years from now… whatever it takes.

In your letter you sounded like someone who is ready to take a new path and battle her way back from the abyss. I’m sure you realize that what came “before” wasn’t working for you and if that new path to a non-self-destructive existence involves a quick (and non-permanent) purge of the ipod... well, that seems like a small price to pay for a second chance at life, doesn’t it? Don’t let such a small thing turn into the big thing (excuse?) that sends you tumbling backward.

Read this answer to your therapist and then discuss.

My heart goes out to you and I wish you the best of luck.
Stay Strong.