Finally - a Sex Question.

Regular readers have asked me why I don't answer more questions like this one. The truth is: I don't get many.

Dear AAP=
I'm a 28 year old female with a problem with my boyfriend (also about the same age). We've been together for about eight months. He's ok in most respects, better than some of the guys I've dated. He is in a band but he does have a job. He's generally on-time and calls when he says he is going to. As I read that it sounds like I've really let my standards get lower, but that's not what I mean to say. The real problem is that the sex is just awful. I thought it would get better but it hasn't. at all. I'm just not sure if this is enough reason to break up with him. Your thoughts? - Luka Warm.

Dear LW:
You left out a crucial detail w/r/t: the "awful" sex... Is it awful because he is inept? ... or because he is inconsiderate? There is a big difference. Just because a guy is in his late 20's and in a band, doesn't necessarily mean he has the slightest idea what he is (or should be) doing in bed with a girlfriend. Especially if he's watched too much porn... or not enough porn. (note: AAP is not taking a pro or con porn stand here.) Has he ever even been in a multi-month relationship? Has he ever dealt with the deepening intimacy that goes with that territory? He might just be in over his head.

If he is inept he probably knows it on some level. In that case he would probably welcome some well-timed and tactful instruction. This is, of course, a potential minefield of hurt feelings and bruised egos, but better to do it sooner in a relationship than later. I'm sure your female friends can give you detailed and explicit instructions on how to proceed on that course.

If he is inconsiderate though, which is a strong possibility given his age and membership in a band, that is a different story. While there is reason hope for (and work with) an inept lover to "improve", there isn't much point in hoping an inconsiderate jerk will somehow change. Do you see the difference I'm getting at here?

You're right about one thing - You certainly sound luke warm in your initial praise of him. Is that due to your 8 months of frustration? ...or were you always sort of on the fence about this guy? It is tough to really get a read on it from the short paragraph you wrote, but I'm wondering if you were just dating him because it was/is "better than nothing." ...in which case I would tell you to break up with him immediately, and not just because of the "awful" sex, but because you would be wasting his time as much as you would be wasting your own.