DEAR AAP=
I’m sitting in a coffeeshop writing this on my way from one boyfriend’s house to another boyfriend’s house. I prefer monogamous relationships and it isn’t like I’m some sort of skank, but things unexpectedly got more steady with both of these guys. I like to think that we’re all grown-ups (all in our mid-late 20s) and that no one is really expecting monogamy, but I realize that in spite of saying that to both of these guys, I also let them both think that I am only seeing each of them. I don’t really know if they’re only dating me, but I’m guessing they are. It is easy to keep this going. I live alone and I do work a lot so they’re both used to not seeing me exactly regularly. I’m not feeling guilty exactly, but I’m not sure what I’m feeling. Tired certainly. The way I see it my options are these: Change nothing and keep seeing both guys. Break up with one or the other of them. Break up with both of them. Tell them both the truth and see what happens. I’m certain there wouldn’t be explosions and thrown furniture in either case. They’re just not those sort of guys. What would you suggest? – Not A Slut
Dear NAS-
I’m sitting in a coffeeshop writing this answer, which is something I swore I would never do – become the clichéd “coffeeshop blogger.” – but when you’re unemployed for 3+ months you’ll do almost anything to get out of your apartment for a few hours. Well, enough about me and my clichéd life, let’s get on to your clichéd life….
“I’m not sure what I’m feeling”
Before you DO anything about this situation you have to figure out what you’re feeling, because that’ll lead to the next logical question, namely: Why DO you want to change the dynamics of this delicately balanced triangle that you’ve so painstakingly constructed? Truth be told, I think you probably do know what you’re feeling, but you don’t want to admit it, either to me or to yourself. You’re bored. You had this delicious idea of leading a kind of double-life, but now that you’ve successfully pulled it off, and from the sound of it, pulled it off with great ease, there’s no adventure left. Now you’re just stuck dealing with two guys you’re now tired of (instead of the usual one) AND a wearisome commute. You're not a slut... but you are the cruelest sort of liar which, karmically speaking anyway, is probably much much worse.
I hate to sound like an old fossil, but this is about as clichéd a 20-something “problem” as there is. You have to admit a few things to yourself. As much as you claim to prefer monogamy, you’re obviously not looking to settle down yet. What you really crave – more than companionship, more than sex even more than love is DRAMA. You thought this love triangle would be some grand intrigue and now you’ve discovered that it isn’t. So your logical next step? Throw it all into chaos. You want to spill the beans and then bask in the ensuing emotion and all-important drama. You want to arouse great passions in the hearts of these two blameless guys, just to see if you can. Just to see if you’re amazing enough to them to spark their fury. Your letter almost sounded disappointed when you wrote that you didn’t expect any “thrown furniture or explosions” yeessh, that would be no fun after all your careful work now would it?
My only hope is that 10 or even 20 years from now, when you’re ready to look for something resembling real love or intimacy, you’ll look back on your present behaviors and just cringe with shame… but hey, I also know that’s part of what being in your 20’s should be about: making horrible and sometimes horribly cruel mistakes. We’ve all done it.
My advice? Here it is: Break up with both guys immediately. Do NOT tell them about each other. Just tell them this truth: You’re not good enough for either of ‘em and that they’re better off without you. What you do after that, you’ll have to figure out, but try to think about what I said re: The difference between real relationships and “drama.” Do the 20-something men of your town a favor and get honest with yourself… then maybe you won’t feel the need/urge/desire to lie to them for all your current selfish & childish reasons.
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