Rhymes with "Funky Drummer"

Dear Ask A Punk:
...so our drummer is totally rad. can pelt out awesome beats and solos and may be more of an icon than our guitarist. But we all promised no matter what, under all circumstances, for any and every reason we'd stay clean (not like straightedge- no sex no drink but we'd stay off drugs). So our drummer is one of the worst drug addicts i've ever seen and i've had personal experience with the homeless will do anything to get a hit group. What gets me is that she's violent really violent and she drops off the face of the earth, literally. like just last week her mom called me and asked if i'd drive her to the hospital because our drummer was in the hospital. We've tried talking to her and sending her to rehab but so far nothings held up. I could stand to lose her as a drummer but as a friend i couldn't bear it. Any ideas? -JSinner

DEAR JS
I have a bunch of ideas actually.
The first is to tell you that you don't have to worry about losing her as a friend... because you already have. From what you've described to me, it sounds like her best friend now is 'drugs' and, assuming she follows the standard trajectory (and believe me: she will) at some point soon drugs will be the only friend she has room for in her fast-crumbling life. All of those homeless-will-do-anything-for-a-fix "types" you mentioned didn't start out that way... They started out as people more-or-less just like your friend. They had other plans for their lives but due to what? genetics? trauma? funky brain chemistry? or some combination of all those factors (and others) once they decided to let drugs deal with their various inner pains, their lives went off the rails. As I've said before: Once they made that one choice, all the rest of their choices were/are made by the drugs.

I appreciate the loyalty and faith you have in your friend. No one is ever completely beyond hope for some form of redemption but, I have to warn you that your faith and your friendship are NO match for an addiction running at full gallop. I'm trying to save you possibly the next 7+ years of your life here... When addiction takes hold so firmly in someone so young, the problem is they have a lot of energy and youth to fall back on, so the trip to their true and final bottoming out can take a long long time... Are you willing to sacrifice your youth, your life and your band for all that?
...am I telling you to abandon your friend? No. I'm telling you to watch a few episodes of Intervention and figure out that 99% of the "help" that well-meaning friends and relatives offer to the addicts in their lives does nothing but keep the addiction going. Offer your friend every kind of help/support to get well... but realize, heck, expect, her to not want your help and to probably curse your name. This is the addiction speaking through your friend... and as long as IT is talking louder than her, then she isn't ready for help.... and if she isn't ready, realllly ready, then rehab etc won't help her a bit.

She has to see consequences. What I'm saying is - no matter how good a drummer she might be, you probably have to throw her out of the band... and be prepared if even that might not be enough to get her attention. The truth is - if she's already deep in the swamp of addiction her drumming certainly isn't going to improve... and chances are she'll start selling off pieces of her drum kit for drug money soon anyway... Believe me, I know how tough it is to find a good drummer... but do you really want your entire band to be a bunch of planets orbiting a junkie sun? You (as a band) will spend so much time and energy dealing with your F-ed up drummer that it'll cut into everything else: rehearsal, songwriting, playing gigs... You'll lose time and opportunities that you can't even imagine right now... as any self-respecting, self-absorbed junkie would make sure of it. They're such experts at self-sabotage they don't even notice the collateral damage (you, your band, your friendship) they cause on the way to their final tragic flameout. Is that really a ride you want to take?

I'm not sure how much else you can really do. You and your friend are both still minors [I edited some details out of the 'question' due to what I thought might be privacy issues.] so the ball is really in her parents' court... You said the mom called you for a ride to the hospital, so obviously you have a decent relationship with them... Talk to them about what they're seeing in your friend vs. what you're seeing. DO they have a plan of action for her? ...I know I'm making some assumptions, maybe her homelife is her biggest problem... but try not to automatically stand behind the generational banners on this one... Look at things as coolly as you can: What is her homelife like? Can you approach her parents with this stuff. Can you talk to your parents about this? I know you want to protect your friend and you're probably worried that your folks' automatic answer would be to cut you off from her... but remember, I suggested the same thing.

The sad truth is, your friend might pull out of this nosedive and she might not. The fact that there is really nothing you can do about it is the hard truth. Al-anon meetings might be a source of some information & strength for you... but othewise the number one rule of dealing with addicts in your life should be: Protect Yourself ...and by that I mean everything from protecting your money, person & property to protecting your time and your peace-of-mind.

Sorry if this sounded harsh, that wasn't my intention. I just had a vision of what the next decade of your life is going to look like if you think you can somehow have more influence over your friend and her choices than her drugs do... It isn't a pretty picture. Save yourself the heartache.

(no) Money For Nothing.

Dear Ask A Punk-

Seems like unless you're Lady GaGa or an 11 year old boy with fucked up hair, you can't make a living playing music anymore. My band has been together for seven years, we've put out a couple of EPs, we've got all the online stuff going that you're supposed to have these days. We seem to have actual 'fans' in places other than our hometown and all of that. But this Fall we did a van-tour and played something like 35 shows in about 42 days... and in the end after expenses and all were covered each of us in the band (there are four of us) took home maybe $400 or so each. For a month's worth of hard work. I'm actually thankful that the winter has been so bad that we haven't been playing out beyond the usual hometown gigs because it gives me a chance to clock some real hours and get out of my financial hole at my "day job" which I don't despise, but it certainly isn't my dream occupation - but I'm getting tired of this. How does a band "get to the next level"? or DOES a next level even exist anymore? - road dog(tired)

Dear RD(t):

That is a tough one my friend, but it isn't a new problem. You have to remind yourself that 'The Creative Life' comes with no promises that you'll ever really be able to live on your art, no matter what it might be. I currently live in Los Angeles. I see countless people who are undeniably talented and trained and dedicated to all kinds of creative endeavors... and at least 90% of them are not directly supporting themselves with their art... or if they are, they are living very frugal existences.

I count myself as part of that 90%. I've been writing this blog every week for 3 years and counting - but I'm not exactly fending off book or movie deals .... or even advertisers. I played in bands for years too - but back then none of us ever expected to make a living at punk rock - heck, the few times I got paid anything I remember being sort of stunned. I don't play in bands any more, but I always have a guitar out, tuned and ready to play. I write something EVERY day - a script, a song, a blog post, whatever... and I work on creative projects of my own in every medium and genre you can think of (except maybe drawing/painting, good god, I can't draw to save my life.) Sometimes I make money at these endeavors, often times I don't... but I can't imagine not doing them. I can't stop myself from doing them... even when the feedback is bad or (more often) non-existent.

We fall in and out and back in of love with our various creative endeavors, sometimes in the course a single day, and usually that 'falling out' of love is caused by frustration at the lack of interest from the outside world. Our heads start to hurt from all that banging on walls... believe me I know the feeling... but you have to ask yourself if you would be even more miserable if you stopped. Was your plan, from day one, really to be a rich (punk) rock star? ...or did you just want to get up on stage (any stage) and have your loud say ? Can you find joy in the process - everything from rehearsing with your bandmates, to writing new songs to doing your band-related 'online' stuff? If yes, then you haven't lost the spark of what drew you to the creative life in the first place. If no, well, you've got some soul-searching to do. No one is forcing you to do this stuff, and if you want to hang it up and take some accounting courses the world isn't going to mourn... but will you?

Think about it.

Good luck.

A reader responds to an answer I didn't give...

dear ask a punk-

I read you new post just now and itis bullshit. Why are you always telling people to get off drugs? Most punks do drugs or have done drugs and don't remind me about straightedge most of them give that up as soon as they turn 21 and can go to bars. You know I'm right and so why tell people otherwise. - Not Done.\

Dear ND-

Please re-read last week's question after you've gotten some sleep (note to readers: this email was time-stamped 3:48am)... then re-read my answer. You'll see that the person who wrote in said that she WANTED to quit. Her only question was about the best way to tell her family. Yeeesh. If it wasn't such a slow week in the ol' inbox, I would have ignored you and your question completely. It sounds to me like you're just trying to rationalize your own behavior / habits perhaps ??

Sure lots of people in punk bands were or are on drugs, so were/are a lot of metalheads, and jazz musicians etc etc and etc. You're right, but so what? What does that have to do with people who WANT to stop using drugs? Nothing. ...and besides, we don't know if she was a musician or even really a punk-rocker... While she is apparently a reader of this blog, she didn't identify herself as a punk.

I appreciate all of my readers and I greatly appreciate anyone who takes the time to write in with a comment or question, but come on man - pay attention.

I know you know that they know. ya know?

Dear aap -

I have decided to quit doing drugs. I have been doing a lot of them and I know it is stupid and know it has gotten out of hand. Booze and weed sure but some semi-heavy stuff too. I'm smarter than this and it is causing problems and I know it is time to stop. I know it was time to stop a while ago. The problem is, how do I tell my parents? I don't think they even know that I do drugs at all and now I'm going to have to tell them and the rest of the family. They've always been supportive, which makes me feel like shit having to tell them. It is almost like a reverse-intervention. I'm tempted to put it in an email and then deal with their phone calls. My boyfriend says that is chickening out but I don't agree. It is still telling them. I just think if they have to read something before speaking they'll read the whole thing. Any suggestions? - Done.

Dear Done-

They already know. The fact that you said they've "always been supportive" means (I'm guessing) that they've always taken an active and nurturing role in your life, as opposed to you being some kid out there on her own with clueless sh#thead parents... So your folks almost certainly know that something has been wrong with you, even if they're not informed enough to know the symptoms of drug abuse... or more likely they fear it might be drugs but are hoping it isn't.

Even active and involved parents, other family members, or even close friends usually know when someone in their lives is F-ing up... and/or is out of control, but people don't know when or how to intervene. 99 times out of 100 they would rather err on the side of hope and caution and rationalize away their fears as "over-reaction" or something like that.

If you're getting into semi-heavy stuff to the point where even you are noticing negative consequences, believe me then: You couldn't possibly be hiding it from friends and relatives as much as you think you are, even if you're living in another town/state/time zone. No one is that slick. That is part of the lie that drugs tell the user: "You're ok, no one suspects a thing." ...that is dead wrong. Chances are EVERYone in your life suspects something, they're just hoping it isn't drugs.

The question of how best to tell them is a good one. The fact that you think you won't be able to "tell the whole story" without interruption if you go the face-to-face route makes me think that THAT particular family dynamic is part of the communication problem in the first place. I say follow your gut on this one and start with an email... but then be sure to fully engage in the dialogue that will quickly follow - either on the phone or face-to-face. Ya know, the more I think about it, it doesn't really matter how you start this conversation, as long as you start it somehow and soon. Any form of truth is a good start to get away from the lies and delusion (including self-delusion) that you've been dealing with.

By deciding to get clean you've made a great, difficult and profound decision. Don't get too hung up on the etiquette of what to do next - THAT might in fact just be your addiction trying to stall for time, hoping you'll change your mind. The best time to start getting clean is right now, today. Your family will be happy with however you choose to start the journey.

Good luck and let me know how it goes.