Greetings all. Here is this week's question.
Dear Ask a Punk-
I spend a lot of time on the internet. I read your blog nearly every week, but don’t get too excited because I read a ton of stuff every day. I sit down to check my email or check out some bands and it seems like two hours suddenly go by. I assume they track our computer usage at my job, but I don’t care. I’m checking email and on facebook and reading and writing stuff all the time. I know it’ll probably get me in trouble. It is probably dumb to ask this to someone online, but how do I know if I’m spending too much time online? Click-happy.
Dear Click-Happy
You’re right, that is a tricky question for me to answer. What am I supposed to say? “Spend less time online…but still read MY blog” ?? That would be pretty self-serving wouldn’t it? Let’s try to look at this though. It is an honest question.
While there is still a lot of debate in some circles about whether or not people can actually get “addicted” to the internet, I think there is a lot on anecdotal evidence to support the idea.
Like any form of possible addiction you first have to ask: Is this activity causing any adverse consequences in your life? In your case I don’t think it has ….yet, but obviously you see the signs of trouble ahead. You said that your web surfing will “probably” get you in trouble at work – either for the act of web surfing on company time or perhaps for your decreased productivity because of your web surfing. ARE you falling behind in the work you’re actually supposed to be doing at your job? If so, then yeah, sooner or later the sh#t is going to hit the fan.
You also said that a “quick email check” can turn into lost hours online. I think we’ve all done that from time to time, but do you feel like you’re really out of control?
Other questions to ask yourself: Do you find yourself spending time online that you used to spend doing other enjoyable things? Are you seeing less of your friends and family? Are you not answering the phone? Are you exercising less because of your internet time? In many cases I think people are on the internet for hours at a time instead of watching TV etc… while this might be giving TV Networks and their advertisers nightmares, for a lot of people it is just a new choice for how they want to spend their well-earned leisure time. No harm in that.
This isn’t true of everyone of course. I think a truly addictive personality could easily latch on to some aspect of the online experience and run it up to junkie extremes. I’m thinking about the people who maybe invest too much time and emotion into their online role-playing games or who compulsively cruise chat rooms looking for trouble… In many of those cases, the addiction is really to something else (sex or gambling etc) but the online world makes it easier to pursue THAT addiction/obsession and help it spiral out of control.
All that said, the fact that you’re even worried about it tells me that you might be in some trouble already, I’m sure there are psychologists and psychiatrists who are already specializing in this sort of thing. Before you start googling to find the one nearest you, try to put some hard numbers and facts to this. Make a list of the top ten or so sites that you frequent. What kind of sites ARE they? Then try to track, as accurately as possible, how much real TIME you spend online (and on which sites) in a given day/week/month. See if any patterns jump out at you. Are there any sites, or kinds of sites, you know you could eliminate from your surfing and not really miss them?
At work you’re really going to have to focus yourself and cut back. I’ve worked an office gig or two myself…and yeah, I wonder how on earth people used to manage to kill time and still “look busy” before the internet was invented… but if you’re spending a couple hours of company time every day aimlessly web surfing personal stuff, yeah, that has got to bite you in the ass sooner or later. I think any employer would have a right to be pissed to find out they’re paying you to spend half your day bidding on troll dolls on ebay.
So yeah, I think you might have a problem. Recognizing that fact was a good first step… Now you have to follow through and see how bad it really is, and then take the appropriate steps. Good luck.
Jul 8, 2009
Jul 1, 2009
Destination Unknown.
Greetings. A simple question today, and a long-ass but hopefully useful answer.
Dear AAP =
My band is going on the road in a few weeks and for a few weeks. We’re doing it the old DIY in a van way. Any tips? – Road Wary.
Dear RW -
Congratulations and good for you. Punk Rock isn’t just about slapping songs together on your laptop, uploading them to your myspace page and then bragging about how many pageviews you get… Punk Rock is about setting the music loose on a LIVE audience and then sinking or swimming on the response. One real gig is worth 100 rehearsals. This has always been true.
You’re also lucky to have certain advantages over the punk rock forefathers who paved that DIY highway for you. With things like GPS and cellphones I don’t see how any band has an excuse for being late to a gig anymore, and with myspace etc, there is at least the possibility that, when you roll into a town for the first time, someone might have already listened to a song or two of yours and might already be a budding fan. That sort of connection, before you’ve even played a note for a crowd, is the sort of goodwill we fossils would have killed for. Self-promotion isn’t the dirty word (or words) it might have been. In fact it makes sense to do a little detective work ahead of time. Google every town you’re going to be in, check the maps, locate the clubs, then search the social networking sites for people in the age and taste range you’re hoping to attract… Invite them personally to your show. Send them some art and a link to your music etc… I’m not kidding, even ONE pre-fan in an audience can turn a crowd of strangers into people at least willing to give you a few seconds before deciding whether or not you suck, and those few seconds can make all the difference.
But some things haven’t changed.
Even though it has been a while since I’ve been “in the van.” Some of the people you’re going to have to deal with will be douchebags. Self-styled “promoters” who promised to pay you X-amount will tell you (AFTER you’ve played your set of course) that you’ll actually be getting paid much much less than previously agreed upon… and they’ll have all sorts of reasons – or what normal people call “lies" to explain why… Try to get paid up front, or if you’re all skinny, try to bring along some friends or “roadies” who bookers and promoters wouldn’t want to tangle with. It’s not a guarantee that you’ll get paid, but at least it improves your odds. That said, try not to approach every situation with a bad attitude. There ARE a lot of people who want to put up a good show and treat the bands with the respect they deserve – Try to give people the benefit of the doubt… the first time. Here is where the internet comes in handy again... People can't get away with screwing every band that comes to their club/show to play anymore. Research everyone, find out what their reputations are before you even agree to play their venue.
As a band you'll always have to form a united front to everyone on the outside. The more people who are involved, the tougher it gets to maintain this appearance, so even though you might need a roadie or two, keep the entourage as small as possible. Girlfriends, boyfriends and significant others should all stay home... not because you want to cheat on them, but because when tough "band decisions" need to be made quickly and on the fly, they'll all think they should get a vote... and that's when the horrors start. Trust me on this one.
Here are a few more specific pointers:
1) Keep an eye on your gear. I know it sucks, but people are going to steal stuff... and by “your gear” I don’t just mean the obvious stuff like guitars and amps, but also all that little stuff. People in the audience as well as in other bands will try to snatch your effects pedals, patch cables and microphones. Sometimes it is because they need the gear, and sometimes it is just because they’re dipshit drunks… either way the costs add up fast.
2) Keep an eye on your drummer – If he/she is any good other bands will try to steal him/her too. There aren’t enough decent drummers in the world. Be nice to yours – Help your drummer load in & load out. Let him have a window seat once in a while. Teach him how to use a fork. He’ll be grateful for the attention and more likely to stay loyal.
3) Buy the sound guy a beer before your set. When you’re an out-of-town band, nothing can kill you faster than a guy on the soundboard who doesn’t like you… It’s like there is a hidden button on the board labeled “SUCK." If you don’t want him pushing it during your set, let him know you appreciate his hard work… and I’m not telling you to suck up or be fake, but REALLY to appreciate what other human beings will be doing to help YOU do a good show. Most sound guys at small clubs and shows are working for free or cheap, so they can see the bands for free and work on their own sound re-enforcement chops. So that beer from your stash will be well-spent… and if he DOES make your band sound good, give him some more after your set too… That’ll set you up with plenty of goodwill for the next time you’re playing in that town, or who knows where else some familiar sound guy will pop up next?
4) …and speaking of drinkin’ for god’s sake, have a someone sober do the driving. I know that might sound like an old man talking but trust me, nothing is lamer than having to cancel a tour because a DUI got your van (AND ALL YOUR GEAR) indefinitely impounded in some strange town or state. Everyone in the band should know how to drive and know that at some point it will be their turn at the wheel… You’re all in this together, right?
5) get a cooler and pack it with food and drink. You’re not going to be making much (or likely ANY) money on this little tour of yours, so you have to cut as many costs as possible. Roadside food stops will cost you more money and time than you want to spend. Figure out what you can all stand eating that won’t go bad if it gets warm. It could be as simple as cans of chili and some bread. If you’re traveling in desert climes, pack gallons of water too, that’s just common sense.
6)You need to travel light, but everyone should bring some extra stuff for their instruments: extra strings, picks, drumsticks, patch cords, BATTERIES for effects pedals etc. I’m telling you, you’ll need it all. Even if you haven’t broken a string in years, you’ll pop one during sound check. Nothing is worse than having to ask the other bands for a high E string while they’re all trying to load in their stuff… and batteries that would last for months at home seem to know when they’re on-stage and wear themselves out in just one or two nights.
7) By all means, bring some merch. CDs of your music. T-shirts etc. But don't go overboard, and don't expect it to be a moneymaker. In fact your merch will probably be a loss leader, but the goal is to get the word out about your band, not to become a T-shirt mogul. You'll be better off pricing things as close to break-even price as possible, and even giving T-shirts away if people are clamoring for them. If you can sell enough to cover your gas money, consider it a win.
8) Other useful stuff: Duct tape. It might be a stupid cliché but it is true: You’ll use duct tape for something every damn night. Nail Clippers: I know that sounds dumb too, but it won’t be the one time you have to tear half your nail off because it is screwing up your fingering. Crazy Glue: great for first aid: gluing together minor cuts on fingers etc. I know it sounds pansy, but it isn’t if you’re trying to play with cut or a big raw blister on a finger….and of course an actual first aid kit would probably be useful too.
What more can I tell you? Gas up the van, hit the road, hope for the best and prepare for the worst. Try to be decent and human to the people you meet. Open yourself up to the experience of being in new places and meeting new people. Know ahead of time that “the plan” for the tour or the show or even the lunch break is subject to change at any moment, for reasons you can’t yet even begin to imagine… just go with it.. and remember its all Rock and Roll…
Dear AAP =
My band is going on the road in a few weeks and for a few weeks. We’re doing it the old DIY in a van way. Any tips? – Road Wary.
Dear RW -
Congratulations and good for you. Punk Rock isn’t just about slapping songs together on your laptop, uploading them to your myspace page and then bragging about how many pageviews you get… Punk Rock is about setting the music loose on a LIVE audience and then sinking or swimming on the response. One real gig is worth 100 rehearsals. This has always been true.
You’re also lucky to have certain advantages over the punk rock forefathers who paved that DIY highway for you. With things like GPS and cellphones I don’t see how any band has an excuse for being late to a gig anymore, and with myspace etc, there is at least the possibility that, when you roll into a town for the first time, someone might have already listened to a song or two of yours and might already be a budding fan. That sort of connection, before you’ve even played a note for a crowd, is the sort of goodwill we fossils would have killed for. Self-promotion isn’t the dirty word (or words) it might have been. In fact it makes sense to do a little detective work ahead of time. Google every town you’re going to be in, check the maps, locate the clubs, then search the social networking sites for people in the age and taste range you’re hoping to attract… Invite them personally to your show. Send them some art and a link to your music etc… I’m not kidding, even ONE pre-fan in an audience can turn a crowd of strangers into people at least willing to give you a few seconds before deciding whether or not you suck, and those few seconds can make all the difference.
But some things haven’t changed.
Even though it has been a while since I’ve been “in the van.” Some of the people you’re going to have to deal with will be douchebags. Self-styled “promoters” who promised to pay you X-amount will tell you (AFTER you’ve played your set of course) that you’ll actually be getting paid much much less than previously agreed upon… and they’ll have all sorts of reasons – or what normal people call “lies" to explain why… Try to get paid up front, or if you’re all skinny, try to bring along some friends or “roadies” who bookers and promoters wouldn’t want to tangle with. It’s not a guarantee that you’ll get paid, but at least it improves your odds. That said, try not to approach every situation with a bad attitude. There ARE a lot of people who want to put up a good show and treat the bands with the respect they deserve – Try to give people the benefit of the doubt… the first time. Here is where the internet comes in handy again... People can't get away with screwing every band that comes to their club/show to play anymore. Research everyone, find out what their reputations are before you even agree to play their venue.
As a band you'll always have to form a united front to everyone on the outside. The more people who are involved, the tougher it gets to maintain this appearance, so even though you might need a roadie or two, keep the entourage as small as possible. Girlfriends, boyfriends and significant others should all stay home... not because you want to cheat on them, but because when tough "band decisions" need to be made quickly and on the fly, they'll all think they should get a vote... and that's when the horrors start. Trust me on this one.
Here are a few more specific pointers:
1) Keep an eye on your gear. I know it sucks, but people are going to steal stuff... and by “your gear” I don’t just mean the obvious stuff like guitars and amps, but also all that little stuff. People in the audience as well as in other bands will try to snatch your effects pedals, patch cables and microphones. Sometimes it is because they need the gear, and sometimes it is just because they’re dipshit drunks… either way the costs add up fast.
2) Keep an eye on your drummer – If he/she is any good other bands will try to steal him/her too. There aren’t enough decent drummers in the world. Be nice to yours – Help your drummer load in & load out. Let him have a window seat once in a while. Teach him how to use a fork. He’ll be grateful for the attention and more likely to stay loyal.
3) Buy the sound guy a beer before your set. When you’re an out-of-town band, nothing can kill you faster than a guy on the soundboard who doesn’t like you… It’s like there is a hidden button on the board labeled “SUCK." If you don’t want him pushing it during your set, let him know you appreciate his hard work… and I’m not telling you to suck up or be fake, but REALLY to appreciate what other human beings will be doing to help YOU do a good show. Most sound guys at small clubs and shows are working for free or cheap, so they can see the bands for free and work on their own sound re-enforcement chops. So that beer from your stash will be well-spent… and if he DOES make your band sound good, give him some more after your set too… That’ll set you up with plenty of goodwill for the next time you’re playing in that town, or who knows where else some familiar sound guy will pop up next?
4) …and speaking of drinkin’ for god’s sake, have a someone sober do the driving. I know that might sound like an old man talking but trust me, nothing is lamer than having to cancel a tour because a DUI got your van (AND ALL YOUR GEAR) indefinitely impounded in some strange town or state. Everyone in the band should know how to drive and know that at some point it will be their turn at the wheel… You’re all in this together, right?
5) get a cooler and pack it with food and drink. You’re not going to be making much (or likely ANY) money on this little tour of yours, so you have to cut as many costs as possible. Roadside food stops will cost you more money and time than you want to spend. Figure out what you can all stand eating that won’t go bad if it gets warm. It could be as simple as cans of chili and some bread. If you’re traveling in desert climes, pack gallons of water too, that’s just common sense.
6)You need to travel light, but everyone should bring some extra stuff for their instruments: extra strings, picks, drumsticks, patch cords, BATTERIES for effects pedals etc. I’m telling you, you’ll need it all. Even if you haven’t broken a string in years, you’ll pop one during sound check. Nothing is worse than having to ask the other bands for a high E string while they’re all trying to load in their stuff… and batteries that would last for months at home seem to know when they’re on-stage and wear themselves out in just one or two nights.
7) By all means, bring some merch. CDs of your music. T-shirts etc. But don't go overboard, and don't expect it to be a moneymaker. In fact your merch will probably be a loss leader, but the goal is to get the word out about your band, not to become a T-shirt mogul. You'll be better off pricing things as close to break-even price as possible, and even giving T-shirts away if people are clamoring for them. If you can sell enough to cover your gas money, consider it a win.
8) Other useful stuff: Duct tape. It might be a stupid cliché but it is true: You’ll use duct tape for something every damn night. Nail Clippers: I know that sounds dumb too, but it won’t be the one time you have to tear half your nail off because it is screwing up your fingering. Crazy Glue: great for first aid: gluing together minor cuts on fingers etc. I know it sounds pansy, but it isn’t if you’re trying to play with cut or a big raw blister on a finger….and of course an actual first aid kit would probably be useful too.
What more can I tell you? Gas up the van, hit the road, hope for the best and prepare for the worst. Try to be decent and human to the people you meet. Open yourself up to the experience of being in new places and meeting new people. Know ahead of time that “the plan” for the tour or the show or even the lunch break is subject to change at any moment, for reasons you can’t yet even begin to imagine… just go with it.. and remember its all Rock and Roll…
Jun 24, 2009
He might be a father but he sure ain't a dad
Greetings all -
Before we get to this week's question I wanted to mention something. I've said before that I try to stay current, punk rock-wise, with the help of some great sites on my google reader including punknews.org and absolutepunk.net ...well absolutepunk just added a column/feature they call "Ask A. Punk" where they take in reader questions on all topics and have various punk musicians (some well-known, some less so) answer the questions for them. Getting somone ELSE to answer the questions is a nice twist (not that they had ever heard of me or this site before), and I wish I had thought of it - It sure would save me a lot of typing. Anyway, if you're not already a reader I suggest you check absolutepunk out.
Now on to this week's question...
Dear Ask A Punk =
I’m 28. After a battling an illness my dad is in the hospital now and probably won’t be coming out any time soon, if at all. My mom called me to tell me this since it was unlikely that I would have called her any time soon either… I check in with her every couple of months but that is about it. I moved 600 miles away a few years ago, which was as soon as I could, for plenty of good reasons. I won’t bore you with the cliché’s / horror stories… it is all the usual stuff, times 10. Those reasons don’t disappear just because someone gets sick or is going to die. My brother and other sister have stayed closer to home for their own reasons, some of it just fucked up loyalty. I don’t know. I can’t forgive my parents for my childhood and I don’t think I should have to pretend now just because he’s terminal. I don’t care if he wants to apologize… not that my mother even mentioned that as a remote possibility, but I just mean I’m not even interested in that. Fuck them. What about karma? What about reaping what you’ve sown? Yes, theoretically I could make the time to go. I have a flexible job and my band goes through plenty of down-time for various reasons. My boyfriend even offered to come along, but that’s the LAST thing I would want to subject him to. He’s heard plenty, but he only knows about 25% of what it was like. I just don’t know. I don’t want to go back, but will I regret it if I don’t? That’s what I’m trying to figure out. – Escapee
Dear Escapee
You’re obviously angry and for plenty of good reasons. You’re absolutely right too. Just because someone’s dying, that doesn’t give them any right to expect you at their bedside, not if they’ve spent the past 20 or 30 years treating you like a dog that should be kicked often and repeatedly. …but since you bothered to write in to AAP, I’m guessing that some small part of you feels the urge to do as your mom asked, so let’s talk about that undoubtedly small percentage of your brain that wants to jump in the car and drive the 600 miles back to a previous hell.
My initial response is to tell you to do it. Not because you owe it to the shithead who happens to now be dying, but because you owe it to yourself. You’re smart not to expect an apology, just as your dad shouldn’t be expecting forgiveness, but there are other reasons to go, other people involved in this who might be worthy of your support. What was your mom’s role in all this? Are you as angry with her? Did she actively contribute to the horrors of your childhood or is she guilty of sins of omission? Are you angry at her for things she did, or for things she didn’t do? You probably need to get an adult understanding of what she might have suffered through. She might be worthy of your forgiveness. That sort of understanding might only be able to start after your dad is gone.
There are also your brother and sister to consider, or are you equally angry at them? You said in your letter that they’ve spent their lives closer to home for reasons you can’t begin to fathom. Maybe this would be a good opportunity to re-connect with them, to get a better understanding of their lives, and to support them. Remember: Everyone will be affected differently by your father’s death, no matter how much of a common history you all share.
I’ve been reading a book about brain function and the uses of subliminal suggestion, written by a guy who has spent the past 30 years studying the topic and creating programs that contain subliminal elements. In the book he says that there are three short phrases called the “Forgiveness Set” that he includes in nearly every program he creates – whether someone is trying to quit smoking or combat depression or anything else. The Forgiveness Set is three short declarative sentences:
I’ll admit that talk of forgiveness is pretty alien to our general culture and especially to the our specific spit-in-your-eye punk rock culture, but on a deeper level it isn’t about making yourself a doormat for the douchebags of the world. The first sentence is about forgiving yourself… Try to dissect that big seething pile of anger you’ve been keeping alive (and well-fed) for all these years. What underlying percentage of it would you say is some free-form guilt? What memories and scenarios come back to you at 3am that fill you not with anger, but with horror, dread… or shame? How much of all these other feelings and issues have you perhaps mis-classified as “anger?”
Getting back to your very specific question: “I don’t want to go back, but will I regret it if I don’t?” …of course I don’t know for sure. You might drive home and get sucked into a black hole of family dysfunction, but what are the odds of that really? Can you give them a number? fifty-fifty? one-in-ten? You’re an adult now remember – no matter how good the family might be at pushing your buttons, you now have mental resources you didn’t have as a child… It IS now possible to protect yourself even in the belly of the family beast. …and even if it goes as horribly as you fear it might, I still think that two or twenty years from now, you’re more likely to regret NOT going.
Let me know what you decide.
Stay Strong.
Before we get to this week's question I wanted to mention something. I've said before that I try to stay current, punk rock-wise, with the help of some great sites on my google reader including punknews.org and absolutepunk.net ...well absolutepunk just added a column/feature they call "Ask A. Punk" where they take in reader questions on all topics and have various punk musicians (some well-known, some less so) answer the questions for them. Getting somone ELSE to answer the questions is a nice twist (not that they had ever heard of me or this site before), and I wish I had thought of it - It sure would save me a lot of typing. Anyway, if you're not already a reader I suggest you check absolutepunk out.
Now on to this week's question...
Dear Ask A Punk =
I’m 28. After a battling an illness my dad is in the hospital now and probably won’t be coming out any time soon, if at all. My mom called me to tell me this since it was unlikely that I would have called her any time soon either… I check in with her every couple of months but that is about it. I moved 600 miles away a few years ago, which was as soon as I could, for plenty of good reasons. I won’t bore you with the cliché’s / horror stories… it is all the usual stuff, times 10. Those reasons don’t disappear just because someone gets sick or is going to die. My brother and other sister have stayed closer to home for their own reasons, some of it just fucked up loyalty. I don’t know. I can’t forgive my parents for my childhood and I don’t think I should have to pretend now just because he’s terminal. I don’t care if he wants to apologize… not that my mother even mentioned that as a remote possibility, but I just mean I’m not even interested in that. Fuck them. What about karma? What about reaping what you’ve sown? Yes, theoretically I could make the time to go. I have a flexible job and my band goes through plenty of down-time for various reasons. My boyfriend even offered to come along, but that’s the LAST thing I would want to subject him to. He’s heard plenty, but he only knows about 25% of what it was like. I just don’t know. I don’t want to go back, but will I regret it if I don’t? That’s what I’m trying to figure out. – Escapee
Dear Escapee
You’re obviously angry and for plenty of good reasons. You’re absolutely right too. Just because someone’s dying, that doesn’t give them any right to expect you at their bedside, not if they’ve spent the past 20 or 30 years treating you like a dog that should be kicked often and repeatedly. …but since you bothered to write in to AAP, I’m guessing that some small part of you feels the urge to do as your mom asked, so let’s talk about that undoubtedly small percentage of your brain that wants to jump in the car and drive the 600 miles back to a previous hell.
My initial response is to tell you to do it. Not because you owe it to the shithead who happens to now be dying, but because you owe it to yourself. You’re smart not to expect an apology, just as your dad shouldn’t be expecting forgiveness, but there are other reasons to go, other people involved in this who might be worthy of your support. What was your mom’s role in all this? Are you as angry with her? Did she actively contribute to the horrors of your childhood or is she guilty of sins of omission? Are you angry at her for things she did, or for things she didn’t do? You probably need to get an adult understanding of what she might have suffered through. She might be worthy of your forgiveness. That sort of understanding might only be able to start after your dad is gone.
There are also your brother and sister to consider, or are you equally angry at them? You said in your letter that they’ve spent their lives closer to home for reasons you can’t begin to fathom. Maybe this would be a good opportunity to re-connect with them, to get a better understanding of their lives, and to support them. Remember: Everyone will be affected differently by your father’s death, no matter how much of a common history you all share.
I’ve been reading a book about brain function and the uses of subliminal suggestion, written by a guy who has spent the past 30 years studying the topic and creating programs that contain subliminal elements. In the book he says that there are three short phrases called the “Forgiveness Set” that he includes in nearly every program he creates – whether someone is trying to quit smoking or combat depression or anything else. The Forgiveness Set is three short declarative sentences:
I forgive myself.
I forgive everyone else.
I am forgiven.
I forgive everyone else.
I am forgiven.
I’ll admit that talk of forgiveness is pretty alien to our general culture and especially to the our specific spit-in-your-eye punk rock culture, but on a deeper level it isn’t about making yourself a doormat for the douchebags of the world. The first sentence is about forgiving yourself… Try to dissect that big seething pile of anger you’ve been keeping alive (and well-fed) for all these years. What underlying percentage of it would you say is some free-form guilt? What memories and scenarios come back to you at 3am that fill you not with anger, but with horror, dread… or shame? How much of all these other feelings and issues have you perhaps mis-classified as “anger?”
Getting back to your very specific question: “I don’t want to go back, but will I regret it if I don’t?” …of course I don’t know for sure. You might drive home and get sucked into a black hole of family dysfunction, but what are the odds of that really? Can you give them a number? fifty-fifty? one-in-ten? You’re an adult now remember – no matter how good the family might be at pushing your buttons, you now have mental resources you didn’t have as a child… It IS now possible to protect yourself even in the belly of the family beast. …and even if it goes as horribly as you fear it might, I still think that two or twenty years from now, you’re more likely to regret NOT going.
Let me know what you decide.
Stay Strong.
Jun 17, 2009
Far From The Madding crowd.
Greetings all. Yes, times are weird and getting weirder. Difficulties abound and everyone is dealing with SOMEthing. You. Me. Them. Everybody. And we're all trying to figure out what the hell to do next.
Dear AAP -
I grew up in a fairly big town and moved to a US big city. I’ve traveled a bit more than most people and have spent a lot of time in big cities in Europe, Japan etc. I’m lucky that way, but lately I’m just getting sick of all the people. I think about moving back to a SMALL town - definitely NOT my hometown, or finding someplace completely remote and isolated even. Is it because I’m 32 now? or is it because people eventually seek peace and quiet? I guess my real question is: Is it possible to burn out on urban living? Is it unusual to get sick of mankind? Is this a phase that’ll pass or should I listen to it and make changes? – UnAntiSocial
Dear UAS
This is one of those questions where it would be really helpful to know for sure the sex of the person asking it. Based on the language used, I’m guessing ‘male’ because you mentioned taking it as far as isolation on some lonely hilltop… Most of the women I know wouldn’t go quite that far.
I don’t get the feeling that you’re a future Unibomber. You don’t sound especially angry or anti-social. I think you’re just getting tired of spending your days throwing elbows on the subway and your nights in a (probably fairly cramped) apartment. This is understandable, especially these days when, let’s face it, everyone starts their morning with their grimmest game face already in place and our collective fuses are shorter than ever. The collective anxiety level is high and the bigger the crowd you find yourself in, the more palatable that negative vibe is. I know I’m feelin’ it every day here on the West Coast.
I’m a small town guy who turned himself into a city dweller. I’ll admit there are times when I miss the more peaceful rhythms of small town life, not to mention the peace/quiet, the extra space, the cleaner air and the relative safety of the nightdark streets. Part of what you’re feeling could be the “greener pastures” syndrome… and I can promise you that any small town you wander into will have it’s share of life-townies who wish they could escape TO the big city. That’s just human nature. We’re all crazy that way.
Another thing could be this: People often move to big cities (and specific big cities at that) for specific reasons. Sure they want to experience the hustle/bustle & excitement that comes with any urban environment, but usually they’re also hoping to “get somewhere” career-wise etc that would be impossible in their smaller towns. After a few years (or decades) of the endless hustle (and expense) required to just SURVIVE in a big city, lots of folks start asking themselves if it might all be in vain… Is all the sacrifice and outrageous rent cost going to somehow eventually be “worth it?” … Are you now hitting that particular wall? I have no way of knowing because you didn’t talk about what you DO or more importantly, what you wish you were doing in that big city of yours.
A lot of people will tell you the old cliché is true: It is ok to shake things up, to change the direction of your life course, to move somewhere new… as long as you’re moving “toward” something, and not just “away” from something else. While this is generally true, I’ll also say that if the “moving away” urge is particularly strong then that CAN be enough of a reason to get gone. We all feel stuck sometimes… and I have known people who’ve felt that ‘stuck’ feeling for years/decades… and I’m not talking about people being “trapped” in family situations or all that other stuff that has it’s own kind of gravity. I’m talking about people who can’t get out of their own way… The sort of people who don’t realize that they ARE free to go. Free to pack up and hit the road if they really want to. Most folks are only held back by their own inertia.
In spite of how you might be feeling right now, I can tell you that 32 is still plenty “young.” I wish I knew more about your specifics though. There has to be something eating at you that is more specific than a general sense of overcrowding or dis-ease with the teeming masses of your fellow man. Look at all the aspects of your life.
Socially: Do you have a network of friends and relatives?
Economically: Are you happy with your current job and future career prospects?
Physically: Are you eating right and getting enough sleep & exercise?
Mentally: Are you dealing with any depressions or anxiety disorders?
Spiritually: yeah really – Do you feel connected to the greater universe on any sort of level?
It could just be that one or two of these areas are out-of-whack and that by focusing on them the rest of your issues might smooth out and you’ll start to feel good in the ‘hood again… but as I said, you’ve given me little to go on, which makes me also want to tell you that life is short and it needs to be explored. You’ve obviously done that before – traveling as much as you have etc – so maybe your next step IS some time on that remote hillside… Maybe you'll stay up there and live out your days in blissful solitude. Maybe after some serious "alone time" you'll miss mankind afterall and you’ll come bounding back down from the hills with new insights and a desire to hug strangers on the street.
Dear AAP -
I grew up in a fairly big town and moved to a US big city. I’ve traveled a bit more than most people and have spent a lot of time in big cities in Europe, Japan etc. I’m lucky that way, but lately I’m just getting sick of all the people. I think about moving back to a SMALL town - definitely NOT my hometown, or finding someplace completely remote and isolated even. Is it because I’m 32 now? or is it because people eventually seek peace and quiet? I guess my real question is: Is it possible to burn out on urban living? Is it unusual to get sick of mankind? Is this a phase that’ll pass or should I listen to it and make changes? – UnAntiSocial
Dear UAS
This is one of those questions where it would be really helpful to know for sure the sex of the person asking it. Based on the language used, I’m guessing ‘male’ because you mentioned taking it as far as isolation on some lonely hilltop… Most of the women I know wouldn’t go quite that far.
I don’t get the feeling that you’re a future Unibomber. You don’t sound especially angry or anti-social. I think you’re just getting tired of spending your days throwing elbows on the subway and your nights in a (probably fairly cramped) apartment. This is understandable, especially these days when, let’s face it, everyone starts their morning with their grimmest game face already in place and our collective fuses are shorter than ever. The collective anxiety level is high and the bigger the crowd you find yourself in, the more palatable that negative vibe is. I know I’m feelin’ it every day here on the West Coast.
I’m a small town guy who turned himself into a city dweller. I’ll admit there are times when I miss the more peaceful rhythms of small town life, not to mention the peace/quiet, the extra space, the cleaner air and the relative safety of the nightdark streets. Part of what you’re feeling could be the “greener pastures” syndrome… and I can promise you that any small town you wander into will have it’s share of life-townies who wish they could escape TO the big city. That’s just human nature. We’re all crazy that way.
Another thing could be this: People often move to big cities (and specific big cities at that) for specific reasons. Sure they want to experience the hustle/bustle & excitement that comes with any urban environment, but usually they’re also hoping to “get somewhere” career-wise etc that would be impossible in their smaller towns. After a few years (or decades) of the endless hustle (and expense) required to just SURVIVE in a big city, lots of folks start asking themselves if it might all be in vain… Is all the sacrifice and outrageous rent cost going to somehow eventually be “worth it?” … Are you now hitting that particular wall? I have no way of knowing because you didn’t talk about what you DO or more importantly, what you wish you were doing in that big city of yours.
A lot of people will tell you the old cliché is true: It is ok to shake things up, to change the direction of your life course, to move somewhere new… as long as you’re moving “toward” something, and not just “away” from something else. While this is generally true, I’ll also say that if the “moving away” urge is particularly strong then that CAN be enough of a reason to get gone. We all feel stuck sometimes… and I have known people who’ve felt that ‘stuck’ feeling for years/decades… and I’m not talking about people being “trapped” in family situations or all that other stuff that has it’s own kind of gravity. I’m talking about people who can’t get out of their own way… The sort of people who don’t realize that they ARE free to go. Free to pack up and hit the road if they really want to. Most folks are only held back by their own inertia.
In spite of how you might be feeling right now, I can tell you that 32 is still plenty “young.” I wish I knew more about your specifics though. There has to be something eating at you that is more specific than a general sense of overcrowding or dis-ease with the teeming masses of your fellow man. Look at all the aspects of your life.
Socially: Do you have a network of friends and relatives?
Economically: Are you happy with your current job and future career prospects?
Physically: Are you eating right and getting enough sleep & exercise?
Mentally: Are you dealing with any depressions or anxiety disorders?
Spiritually: yeah really – Do you feel connected to the greater universe on any sort of level?
It could just be that one or two of these areas are out-of-whack and that by focusing on them the rest of your issues might smooth out and you’ll start to feel good in the ‘hood again… but as I said, you’ve given me little to go on, which makes me also want to tell you that life is short and it needs to be explored. You’ve obviously done that before – traveling as much as you have etc – so maybe your next step IS some time on that remote hillside… Maybe you'll stay up there and live out your days in blissful solitude. Maybe after some serious "alone time" you'll miss mankind afterall and you’ll come bounding back down from the hills with new insights and a desire to hug strangers on the street.
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