Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Listless when Idle

A timely question today.

DEAR ASK A PUNK -
You're probably getting a lot of letters like this these days, but I lost my fairly professional job afew weeks ago. It wasn’t a dream job of course, but it was a good one and it paid enough and wasn’t totally horrible… As I sit here with my checkbook and my unemployment checks and my bills I'm realizing that I'm not going to be able to stay afloat for long. There have been some other personal setbacks recently too, but I won't go into those, they're not primary, just contributing to my sense of dread. Add to this that my band fell apart because the drummer had to take a job in another state after being unemployed for a while. I know it isn't exactly punkrock, but I like working and earning money and having a decent tho not luxurious life and now it is like even my simple existence is too much to ask for. It is making me very depressed already and I fear that is going to get worse too. I'm almost 30 so the idea of moving back in with my parents is as horrifying to me as it would probably be to them, but I may have no choice. Even if I cut way back on everything I'll still burn through ALL of my savings in about eight or nine months at the most, and then I would literally be broke or homeless or worse. I know I'm lucky that I don't have a wife and family to also worry about, but I still think I have reason to worry. -- Jobless

Dear Jobless
It is flattering that you think I get a lot of ANY kind of letter... because I certainly don't, but I have gotten a few from folks who have either lost their jobs or are worried that they soon will. In fact, I can't imagine I'll be seeing a letter that opens with "I've got a great job that I never have to worry about losing" letter any time soon. The economy is contracting, or collapsing, depending on who you ask, but everyone agrees these are dark times, with more darkness in our collective immediate futures. We ALL have reason to worry these days, but we also have reason to hope. Well maybe "reason" and "hope" don't exactly go together, but we all gotta hold on.

Without much exaggeration I can say that I've recently had one of the worst weeks of my life and I got through it by doing some VERY un-punkrock things... like taking long loooooong pointless walks and like sitting down and making a list of the things I DO have to be thankful for from: having a drawer full of clean socks to having a car that runs to having an Aunt who would let me move into their place if I was ever desperate enough to ask her etc. I'm serious - Make a list. Write it out. Make it real. I know it sounds dumb, but it will probably help.

You've still got a place to live and you've got eight-ish months worth of money socked away... good for you! It has only been a few weeks since you lost your job, so try to take a few deep breaths before hitting the panic button. I know the economy is in the big smelly dumper right now, but you haven't had time to reeeeally dig into the new job search... Give it a month or two (or three) before you give up and move back in with mom and dad. You said you were "fairly professional" so I'm guessing you have at least some higher education, useful skills and a good command of the language. Get on some sites like linkedin.com and do that almighty 'networking' thing. I know it can be loathsome, but it beats living in your car, or your parents' basement.

And when Thanksgiving rolls around next week, go and volunteer at a shelter or someplace where you’ll be putting food in the hands and mouths of people who have even more to worry about than you. Do it. You'll be feeling like one supremely lucky guy by the time that day is over and you’ll have done something to help lift someone else up. Karma might not come around as quickly as we might like, but it does eventually swing back around.

STAY STRONG !!

Now, if you'll excuse me. I have to go take another long, looooong walk.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Fear is the mind killer.

The elections are over and I couldn't be happier that all the ugliness is behind us (until the next election at least.)

The idea of the 'election process' is one of the things that makes my country great... but the way it is practiced these days always makes me fearful for the future of the Republic every dang time we go through it. I hope we've made some good choices this time and I hope that most of us (on both sides) will figure out a way to come together as "Good Americans that heartily disagree with each other." I did very much appreciate all the 'political' questions I received over the past couple of months... but I just couldn't run any of them. Hey, I DO have some firmly held political beliefs of my own (and yes, I DID vote) but I have never wanted Ask A Punk to be about something as macro as "politics." ...you can find all that on a few million other websites.

Here is a more personal question...


Dear AskAPunk-
I don't understand why I do things that I know are bad for me. I'm not talking about being a junkie like your previous letter writer, but about other things, like dropping out of college for awhile and taking forever to go back, or dating the wrong guy, breaking up with him and getting back together three or four times before giving up and then dating another wrong guy. I spend money on stuff I don't need when I know I should save it. I eat greasy food when I know I should eat vegetables. I'm not clueless. I know these things aren't doing me any good and that in some cases that I haven't mentioned are actually probably hurting me or at least hurting my chances for a better, happier life. So what is my problem? -- Lula.


Dear Lula -
There are all sorts of possible underlying causes for people doing counter-productive or even damaging things to themselves. It is usually worthwhile to ask about the environment you had to grow up in. Was it safe & interesting or was it chaotic, dangerous or unstimulating? …that sort of thing. Since you give me no clues about your childhood we have to dwell in the here and now, which is probably a good thing because the here & now is the only thing that actually exists.

At the most basic of levels, the problem is this: Humans are creatures of habit. In ways large & small (and good & bad) we spend our lives trying to enforce some form of order on our immediate sphere of influence... The problem is we are attempting to do all this while the rest of the universe is pulled in the direction of disorder, entropy and ultimate decay. What does this mean? It means we feel "safer" on some cellular level when we do things that are familiar to us, even if those things are ultimately bad for us. Even if the “something new” we might do instead would change our lives for the better. We're all ruled (to varying degrees) by one basic formula: "Known > Unknown." hmmm, maybe that isn’t quite a formula, but you get the idea.

Of course there's a reason we've developed like this. Some habits, such as going to the gym or brushing your teeth three times a day are good for us. But even healthy or ‘good’ habits be taken to extremes, to the point where they might become an unhealthy compulsion, or something you're doing seven days a week to avoid other aspects of your life.

Here is an example. I don't remember a time when I didn't like to read, and sure, having parents that were both school teachers is probably the reason I was surrounded by books as a kid... but there I was - always a "reader” as a kid. Nothing wrong with that really... Books helped me escape everything from boredom to terror. What could be more useful and valuable to a person than a wide-ranging interest in reading? Flash forward a few decades - I've moved across the country and disconnected myself from all of my family and friends. At that time I was also dropping some other bad habits and so I retreated (no better word for it) back into books... For a while ALL I did when I wasn't working was sit somewhere (alone) and read... whole weekends... whole months... a few years even. It was safe. It was familiar …and on the surface, it seemed like a perfectly acceptable way to spend my time.

But I finally began to realize that I wasn't doing anything ELSE. I wasn’t getting any exercise. I wasn't connecting with new people. I sure as hell wasn't dating. I was just hiding away with my books. The word 'compulsive' wouldn't be totally wrong here. Even after I realized that this was becoming a problem and that it was negatively effecting my quality of life, I didn't let it go... I was afraid (of course) that if I stopped reading and ventured back out among the living I would fall back on those other bad habits. This sort of transference is common to the point of being universal. Like the alcoholic who gets addicted to donuts and is then afraid to go on a diet (although yeah, I know there's a physiological component to that whole sugar thing, so please don't write in.) but you get what I mean.

"Afraid" .... good god.... Imagine how much more we could all accomplish in our lives without all that self-generated fear?

You've made the first step Lula. You've at least realized that "something isn't working." That is good. In some ways that's the hardest part. Now the tricky part is next: You have start examining the MOTIVES behind each and every habit or behavior you find yourself doing. You have to second guess yourself… a lot. The first six "I'm still dating this guy because_______" reasons you come up with probably will not be REAL reason. The real reason you're not eating veggies might be tough to figure out too, but you've got to do it. It might sound a little extreme and you will have to watch out for becoming self-absorbed, and possibly even turning all this introspection into a NEW bad habit... but you've got to stop yourself and examine (and RE-examine) the "why?" behind your actions & behaviors.

...and it doesn't stop with actions & behaviors... In fact it might not even start with actions & behaviors. You'll also have to start figuring out the "why?" behind your own THOUGHTS... particularly those thoughts that tell you those bad habits are "good enough" for you. That is were it all comes from really. I’m not going to lie – it is tricky stuff, but it is the stuff that leads you to a more fully lived life.

Welcome to the noble struggle. Now go eat some broccoli.

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Kicked to the Curb.

Sorry for the time lag since my last post. Other deadlines. Other Pressures. One question today.

DearAAP-
What's the best way to throw someone out of your band? - Punk Zero


Dear PZ-
I've been thrown out of plenty of bands for plenty of reasons (some good, some bad.) The worst example that comes to mind was the evening I walked into a rehearsal space for a scheduled practice session and no one was there... but there WAS another guitarist's equipment set up in the room and all of my gear had been tossed into the hallway for the vultures... adding another insult to injury on top of THAT: My gear was so crappy, no one had bothered to steal any of it. Did it suck? hell yes.

I've been on the other side of the table too. I would like to report that I've always handled it in mature way, but I would be lying. Sometimes "Changing Personnel" due to "creative differences" is so incredibly awkward it seems impossible to be grown-up about it...but there are ways to minimize the hard feelings and negative impact.

... but it all really depends on WHY you want to throw this person out of your band. The general rule should be: How would YOU want to be thrown out of a band? If you were to just get a text message saying: "U R OUT" you would think that was a pretty chickensh*t way to be treated... so don't take the easy way out just to avoid yourself some embarrassment or a bad scene. Sometimes you have to be the 'bad guy' ...best to do that in as dignified and respectful a way as possible. It also heads off any possible confusion down the road.

Then again, some people need to get thrown out of bands... hard. Maybe you've got one guy (or girl) who doesn't share your level of commitment. Maybe he/she is missing rehearsals, or being a jerk or trying to bully their ideas etc on the rest of you. Or maybe someone is getting out of control in some way that brings more trouble and drama to the band than that person is worth. These people have to be dealt with, and sometimes the only thing that might get through to them is a forceful confrontation and a few changed locks. You're better off without these people, but again, you want to do it in a way that you'll look back on years later as "a tough choice handled with class."

When you need to dump someone because they just don't play well enough, or maybe their personality is just boring or annoying enough to negate their positive qualities, well, that is where it gets tricky. Often these are the situations that people handle the worst, because you tend to feel guilty about it. At least if the person is a dangerous and out-of-control douchebag, you can find the anger to confront them and give 'em the heave-ho, but it can be a nightmare when you're just too embarrassed to face the person and tell them you're just not digging their contribution to your sound and vibe. Be cool about this. Let 'em down easy, buy 'em a drink (or seven) but be as clear about your reasons as humanly (and humanely) possible. Give the person some idea of what he/she needs to "work on." It might be as simple as becoming a better musician, or a more consistent showerer or just learning not to always take the last damn beer. These are life skills that will come in handy if he/she ever tries to get into another band someday.

No matter how well you handle it, there is no telling how the dumpee will react. Be prepared for anger and possibly violence. I wasn't kidding about changing some locks. Most important probably is to be honest about intellectual property. If you're going to toss someone out of your band, DON'T keep playing their songs. I know this can be a massive grey area, but it is best to err on the side of caution... and be honest with yourself about it. If they're somehow not good enough for your band, then their contributions shouldn't be good enough to steal either. Fair is Fair.

There is no point in continuing a band relationship that isn't beneficial to everyone involved, but you don't have to be an ass about it.

Monday, October 20, 2008

Art vs. Chaos

Greetings all. One question this time.

DEAR AAP-
I know this is going to sound stupid as the economy is going crazy and a big election is just a few months away and we've got soldiers being shot at in two wars and all the rest of the world is spinning out of control, but I still find myself mostly thinking about my own problems, and even though they're comparitively small by any of those standards, I still find myself fretting and upset and angry sometimes all at once. I've got a steady job, health insurance and a decent family. I've got enough friends. I don't currently have a boyfriend, but I know that can change - I just got out of a long but pointless relationship, so I'm happy being single for now. My job isn't at all creative, but I feel like I help people in some specific ways, so I like to think I'm making a contribution to the greater good during the day and so at night I should feel guilt-free to pursue more selfish things, creative things that I have always enjoyed doing like writing and painting - I stopped playing in bands after I turned 30 because it just didn't seem as much fun as when I was a younger chick... But the problem is I just can't get any of this other creative work really DONE lately, I spend a ton of time reading blogs or messing around with facebook and myspace, but none of that amounts to anything really - it's all a kind of procrastination and my projects just sit either unopened on my desktop or literally gathering dust in the corner of my apartment. I wouldn't call it writer's block exactly, but I feel just completely uninspired and I'm questioning why I'm even bothering with it all anymore - or is that what writer's block is? Maybe it's because I live in a smallish city and I'm feeling like, even if I do get something written and completed, it'll still just sit in a corner, since I don't have the sort of connections that you seem to need to get published or to get your work in a gallery etc. What should I do? How do I get inspired again? --- Spinning Wheels

Dear SW -
Hey, it isn't all that stupid. The urge to be creative is just about as human as it gets. Even in primitive societies, when the bulk of the day was spent trying to find food while avoiding being eaten, during those rare moments of downtime they painted on their cave walls. They probably sang and danced too, but we've got no way of knowing. This is what humans do. After we're fed and hydrated our big crazy brains feel the urge to make stuff, and I would argue that the people who say they have no creative urges have been fooled or brainwashed into thinking that they don't.

So the urge is the easy part and easiest to explain: No matter what chaos surrounds us, either personally or in the big chaotic world, humans will always try to make sense of it all by recreating or re-imagining their reality in some fixed medium... so stop feeling guilty about that.

The HOW part is trickier. that is for sure. While I'm afraid the rest of this answer might spiral into cliché’s I'm going to spout some of them anyway.

First of all - the "living in a smallish city" excuse is no longer valid. The web gives you a potential audience (and potential sales) that would have boggled the mind of writers & artists just a generation ago. There are virtual art galleries for your sculptures and reputable self-publishing sites for your books. Create something amazing and all those big-time city slickers will find you. Granted, there are some advantages to living in a big metropolis, but just because you're not in NY, LA or Chicago etc doesn't mean you're out of the running. Also, you can/should submit your best work to reputable writing contests etc (do your homework on these before paying the sometimes high 'entry fees')

All that is well and good, but only if you've been able to DO some work and get it to the point where you consider it "finished." ...and I realize that a big part of your question was about getting motivated to do the work. This is tricky of course, and cliché' as it sounds, all I can say is that you've got to keep hammering at it day-after-day. Waiting to "get inspired" before you pick up your chisel or sit down to write puts too much pressure on your muse and is a blueprint for failure. As much as we like to think that our innate creative genius, flashes of inspiration and brief periods of frenzied 'creativity' are the gateway to amazing art, the truth is much more mundane. You've got to just keep showing up and moving your hands until those moments of inspiration come, and when they pass, you've gotta go back and keep hammering away. Sometimes we get lucky and some sort of magic wind carries us through a project, but the artists and writers who are in it for the long haul know better than to wait for the weather to change.

I could go on, but the best words I've read on this subject in a LONG time come from Hugh MacLeod on his “gapingvoid” blog. As loathe as I would normally be to say such things about "a guy from marketing" he completely nails the whole issue/problem of creatively and art and soldiering on in his blog piece "How To Be Creative" ... I suggest you read every word of it.