Another year is almost over. Last January I wrote down fourteen things I wanted to accomplish this year and now it looks like I only got ONE of them done, and that was the easiest one. I'm not going to bother writing down here what they were, the point is I feel like I just sqandered another year, wasted time and space and air doing none of the things I wanted to do. When I was younger (I'm 32) I could have blamed something else - my parents, or my family in general, or waiting to finish school or waiting to find a real job or anything else, but now I'm just someone who is taking up space and being useless. I hate it, and I'm starting to hate myself, or hate myself even more. I just want to give up, but I feel like I already have. I just know I don't want to bother going through a 2014 if it is going to be just like 2013. It wasn't supposed to be like this, I know that for sure. - Sick of It.
Dear SoI -
The Holiday Season and the approach of the New Year can take on a much more negative vibe as we get older. The reality is that life can be more mundane at 30 than we expected it to be back when we were 17 and itching to be 'adult.' That realization can be a blast of cold water to the face and soul. It is called the human condition, and sometimes it blows, no question about it. We are tiny bits of animated matter, a consciousness encased in meat for a few years or decades and it is up to us to figure out why.
I don't know why either, but I do know this: We're not here to be miserable. The point of existance isn't to suffer through it... The suffering will come to us all sooner or later, that is a certainty (sorry to sound so Buddhist) so believe me, no matter how bad things might seem, they could be much, muuuuch worse. Of the 7 Billion people on the planet, the mere fact that you can type a question and send it to me over the internet is proof that you're having a better time here on earth than at least 5 Billion of your fellow humans.
...and I know none of this is going to make you feel any better because the simple truth is this: You sound like you're clinically depressed. Nothing bizarre or unique or exotic about that, just a plain drag. The pain you're feeling is real, on a deep psychological level - I'm not going to tell you to get over it. I'm not saying it is all "in your head." I am saying that there is no reason to suffer the whole downhill slide to it's likely end. Seek help. Pick up a phone, or search the internet or call your family and tell someone that you need some assistance. Now... seriously, right NOW. Don't even read the rest of this post/answer first... Go. Google 'depression' or 'local psychological services' or something. ....I'm also guessing that I'm not telling you something you don't already, on some level, know, am I? Reach out. Immediately. You'll be stunned at how many people want to help you.
I know things are looking bleak (perhaps even dire) on levels from the personal to the global, but I also know this: THE FUTURE IS UNWRITTEN... don't be so sure 2014 will suck as badly for you as 2013 did. Get some help and you might just be surprised. The Universe stretches out infinitely in both directions of time and space, but we're only here for a few hundred thousand heartbeats (if we're lucky.) ...meaning: We're all going to be dead for a long, looooooong time. No matter what might or might not come after this, odds are that THIS is the good part. Go.