Dear AAP-
Is there any non-lame way to make a new year's resolution? or maybe make a bunch of them. I know I have to change some things around in my life and it seems like the right time to do it. I just don't want to make a big deal out of things and then not follow through. So what do I do? - Changer.
Dear Changer-
Your answer is right in your question - Don't make a big deal out of it, at least not to other people.
Seriously. It is never a bad or lame idea to want to make positive changes in your life. The lameness happens when people make big, public pronouncements about the biiiig changes that are going to occur and then, when they have setbacks (which are always bound to happen) shame and fear set in and they give up, not just on the changes they were trying to make at that time but also on the very IDEA that change is possible... It then becomes just that much harder the next time to even imagine that you can change or improve yourself or your life... and then you become stuck right where you've always been with the added benefit of also being shamed and disappointed in yourself.
...and then eventually you die. So why not make the most of the days & years between now (right now) and that fateful, eventual day? Know what I mean?
And as I said first off - If you're really into making positive changes, then just make them for yourself. Why does anyone necessarily have to know? I'm not saying you need to keep secrets, of course you can and should reach out to anyone who you think might be able to help you along your road of improvement. I'm talking about all the 'other people' who don't have to know your business and who, quite honestly, probably don't much care if you change or not. Better to say less and let your actions and improvements speak for themselves.
There is an old saying: "Well done is better than well said." Keep that in mind as you figure out what do do with yourself and for yourself in the new year.
Good luck.
Dec 29, 2010
Dec 22, 2010
Season's Gratings
Dear As A Punk-
Like seemingly everyone else, I'm not looking forward to going home for the holidays. My family isn't a complete horror story like some of the people who write in, but at best it is a tense and not enjoyable experience for everyone, not just for me. It is like we all feel oddly obligated to show up and sit around being miserable together even though we truly do not understand each other. No one has the same views on anything from politics to lifestyles to what we want to watch on TV. After a couple days we all go to our separate corners of the state and just deal with each other for the rest of the year with awkward weekly phone calls and hastily scrawled birthday cards. If that is good enough for the rest of the year why do we have to go zombie march through this yearly yuletide ritual? Why do families do this to each other? Why can't we admit that if we weren't related by blood none of us would probably be friends with each other? Should I just bail out and maybe the rest of the family will be relieved and follow my example? - Blue Christmas Blows.
Dear BCB-
The bad news is, "everyone else" isn't dreading the Holidays. In fact most people DO have the sort of (enjoyable) Christmas you probably can't even imagine. It might suck to hear that, but it is the truth.
As you said in your letter though, your family situation isn't hellishly horrible, it just sounds like everyone is hellishly disappointed, your mom especially, I'm guessing. No one sets out to create an awkward and disconnected family. I'm sure your folks had the best of intentions, maybe they just didn't have the skills/ability to pull it off. Maybe there were disadvantages that were beyond your parents' control. See if you can figure that out, and then, find a way to forgive them. As much as we like to think familial love is something that is just supposed to 'happen' the truth is that those bonds are built slowly and over time in a million small and not-so-small ways. Sure, some families make it SEEM easy and automatic... They're the lucky few who managed to somehow find the same wavelength for each other and ride that wave together.
...but that isn't you. Or your family.
So what do you do? Sure you could bail out, but I've got news for you - Chances are the reaction you'll get isn't going to be "whew, what a relief, now we can all stop wasting time with this yearly masquerade." ...no, it is more likely that everyone else will rally 'round your defection, since obviously you're all a bunch of people looking for something to bond over, and nothing does that quicker than a "family villain" ...and that would likely be you. If you can live with that then save the gas money, buy yourself a tree and stay home. If you can't shoulder the burden of family scapegoat for a family you would rather not have to deal with... well then it sounds to me like you DO want to deal with them, you're just as disappointed as everyone else.
But how do you fix any of this? It is unlikely that you're going to create a Christmas miracle for yourselves that "changes everything from now on" that only happens in (bad) movies. IF you still care, you have to figure out ways to make it just slightly slightly better, even if that tiny improvement takes a lot of effort... and then you have to find a way to be happy with the results of your efforts, even if they're barely measurable... Otherwise you'll just be adding a new layer of disappointment and resentment to what is already a very very large pile.
I guess I'm saying you have to find a way to acceptance. Acceptance of yourself and acceptance of your family... no matter what their limitations or failings might be. You said yourself, you didn't come from a nightmarish childhood and let me tell you - that alone can, and should be counted as a blessing. Know what I mean?
...and when you start your own family, remember this stuff.
Like seemingly everyone else, I'm not looking forward to going home for the holidays. My family isn't a complete horror story like some of the people who write in, but at best it is a tense and not enjoyable experience for everyone, not just for me. It is like we all feel oddly obligated to show up and sit around being miserable together even though we truly do not understand each other. No one has the same views on anything from politics to lifestyles to what we want to watch on TV. After a couple days we all go to our separate corners of the state and just deal with each other for the rest of the year with awkward weekly phone calls and hastily scrawled birthday cards. If that is good enough for the rest of the year why do we have to go zombie march through this yearly yuletide ritual? Why do families do this to each other? Why can't we admit that if we weren't related by blood none of us would probably be friends with each other? Should I just bail out and maybe the rest of the family will be relieved and follow my example? - Blue Christmas Blows.
Dear BCB-
The bad news is, "everyone else" isn't dreading the Holidays. In fact most people DO have the sort of (enjoyable) Christmas you probably can't even imagine. It might suck to hear that, but it is the truth.
As you said in your letter though, your family situation isn't hellishly horrible, it just sounds like everyone is hellishly disappointed, your mom especially, I'm guessing. No one sets out to create an awkward and disconnected family. I'm sure your folks had the best of intentions, maybe they just didn't have the skills/ability to pull it off. Maybe there were disadvantages that were beyond your parents' control. See if you can figure that out, and then, find a way to forgive them. As much as we like to think familial love is something that is just supposed to 'happen' the truth is that those bonds are built slowly and over time in a million small and not-so-small ways. Sure, some families make it SEEM easy and automatic... They're the lucky few who managed to somehow find the same wavelength for each other and ride that wave together.
...but that isn't you. Or your family.
So what do you do? Sure you could bail out, but I've got news for you - Chances are the reaction you'll get isn't going to be "whew, what a relief, now we can all stop wasting time with this yearly masquerade." ...no, it is more likely that everyone else will rally 'round your defection, since obviously you're all a bunch of people looking for something to bond over, and nothing does that quicker than a "family villain" ...and that would likely be you. If you can live with that then save the gas money, buy yourself a tree and stay home. If you can't shoulder the burden of family scapegoat for a family you would rather not have to deal with... well then it sounds to me like you DO want to deal with them, you're just as disappointed as everyone else.
But how do you fix any of this? It is unlikely that you're going to create a Christmas miracle for yourselves that "changes everything from now on" that only happens in (bad) movies. IF you still care, you have to figure out ways to make it just slightly slightly better, even if that tiny improvement takes a lot of effort... and then you have to find a way to be happy with the results of your efforts, even if they're barely measurable... Otherwise you'll just be adding a new layer of disappointment and resentment to what is already a very very large pile.
I guess I'm saying you have to find a way to acceptance. Acceptance of yourself and acceptance of your family... no matter what their limitations or failings might be. You said yourself, you didn't come from a nightmarish childhood and let me tell you - that alone can, and should be counted as a blessing. Know what I mean?
...and when you start your own family, remember this stuff.
Dec 15, 2010
Another victim of the Recession
Dear aap-
Best way to fire a band member who isn't working out? -Dirty Work.
Dear DW
Simple answer: Privately and Face-to-Face.
...of course there is (always) more to say, but the above answer should be part of everyone's basic human code of dignity. I know you kids all like to do everything by text these days but, trust me on this one.
There will be times when a private sit-down isn't possible or safe. Maybe there are drugs or, worse yet, lawyers involved? In that case do whatever the highest possible high road might be. Do it 'by-the-book' and be done with it.
Don't get me wrong "face-to-face" doesn't have to mean 'one-on-one' ... Stack the odds in your favor, Meet 'in private' but make sure the rest of the band is there too, and if a show of strength is required, maybe have a few roadies in the room too. Lay out your reasons for kicking him out; be specific, try to make it sound like helpful criticism and not like a bone-stabbing. Give him/her the chance to respond, but don't get into an argument. Make it clear that the topic is not debatable. Help load out their equipment and try to shake hands at parting.
No, I don't expect it to go that way, but it is something to shoot for.
-
Best way to fire a band member who isn't working out? -Dirty Work.
Dear DW
Simple answer: Privately and Face-to-Face.
...of course there is (always) more to say, but the above answer should be part of everyone's basic human code of dignity. I know you kids all like to do everything by text these days but, trust me on this one.
There will be times when a private sit-down isn't possible or safe. Maybe there are drugs or, worse yet, lawyers involved? In that case do whatever the highest possible high road might be. Do it 'by-the-book' and be done with it.
Don't get me wrong "face-to-face" doesn't have to mean 'one-on-one' ... Stack the odds in your favor, Meet 'in private' but make sure the rest of the band is there too, and if a show of strength is required, maybe have a few roadies in the room too. Lay out your reasons for kicking him out; be specific, try to make it sound like helpful criticism and not like a bone-stabbing. Give him/her the chance to respond, but don't get into an argument. Make it clear that the topic is not debatable. Help load out their equipment and try to shake hands at parting.
No, I don't expect it to go that way, but it is something to shoot for.
-
Dec 8, 2010
A new zip code can be good for the soul.
Dear AAP-
I know 2010 has been a tough year for a lot of people. It was for me too. I lost a job. Quit another job. Broke up with my boyfriend. Quit my band and moved... twice.. The second time to a different city. So now I'm in my new city broke and lonely, 600 miles away from my old one and 1000+ miles away from my family, just in time for the holidays. I'm not sure if I did it on purpose and if so I don't know if I did it on purpose to them or to myself. This isn't the first time I've uprooted my life and I'm only 28. So how do I know if I'm being adventurous or just self-destructive? - Big Changes Only.
Dear BCO-
It is a fair question and a tricky one to figure out. It would have been helpful (to you) if you had started asking that question while you were in the middle of those changes... Quitting your band, breaking up with the boyfriend, quitting jobs etc... What order did these things happen? How close together were they? Did you burn every bridge in your life in a frenzied afternoon? or was each action done separately after sufficient thought etc? Basically I'm asking if you're a generally stable person or if you're prone to rash, ill-advised and unexamined actions...
The fact that you are still young makes me think that you're probably ok... You're still at a point in your life where there is room and time for further exploration and experimentation. You're obviously looking for something more or at least 'else' that you couldn't find in your old city and with your old band & boyfriend... so I say good for you. Push on, ever forward... but keep in mind that these choices you're making are your own and in the end, five or fifty years from now, you have to be able to look back and own them... No placing the blame for how your life did/didn't turn out on anyone but yourself.
Timing is always tricky. I too uprooted my life and moved far away (3000+ miles) about a decade ago and arrived in Los Angeles on November 1st... Not completely realizing what that meant: That I would be alone, clueless, friendless and absolutely broke when all the holidays started rolling around just a month later. We get through these things and let's face it, given how far technology has advanced in just these past 10 years, it is almost impossible to really be alone ANY time... unless you're really willing to work at it. Everything from email, to video chat to even online gaming keeps us in contact with people 24/7. If you're missing your former city, your family or even your ex-boyfriend it is ridiculously easy to link up with them, see their faces and hear their voices. In fact, when you think about it that way, you might enjoy a little peace & quiet and alone-time.
This isn't answering your question about whether or not you made the 'right' decisions when you decided to reboot every aspect of your life... but as I mentioned earlier - unless you're somehow "unbalanced" or at a disadvantage due to some form of mental illness (whether it be manic/depressive, depression etc) ... you're probably ok and you probably did the right thing. You're young(ish) and you want to see, experience and be in a new part of the world... That, in itself, is perfectly normal and healthy. It isn't easy... but then again the 'right' thing rarely is.
So go and explore your new city, create your new band (and tribe) and carve out a new life for yourself.
Good luck
Timing is always tricky. I too uprooted my life and moved far away (3000+ miles) about a decade ago and arrived in Los Angeles on November 1st... Not completely realizing what that meant: That I would be alone, clueless, friendless and absolutely broke when all the holidays started rolling around just a month later. We get through these things and let's face it, given how far technology has advanced in just these past 10 years, it is almost impossible to really be alone ANY time... unless you're really willing to work at it. Everything from email, to video chat to even online gaming keeps us in contact with people 24/7. If you're missing your former city, your family or even your ex-boyfriend it is ridiculously easy to link up with them, see their faces and hear their voices. In fact, when you think about it that way, you might enjoy a little peace & quiet and alone-time.
This isn't answering your question about whether or not you made the 'right' decisions when you decided to reboot every aspect of your life... but as I mentioned earlier - unless you're somehow "unbalanced" or at a disadvantage due to some form of mental illness (whether it be manic/depressive, depression etc) ... you're probably ok and you probably did the right thing. You're young(ish) and you want to see, experience and be in a new part of the world... That, in itself, is perfectly normal and healthy. It isn't easy... but then again the 'right' thing rarely is.
So go and explore your new city, create your new band (and tribe) and carve out a new life for yourself.
Good luck
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