Give 'em the boot... but which laces?

Dear aap:
I'm 17 and have been into punk since I was 13. I love it, and now that me and my 2 friends are old enough to drive we can find some all-ages shows and clubs - there aren't any in our hometown which is small. We thought it would be great, but the problem is we go to these shows and we still get shit on by people there because we don't fit in or we don't dress exactly right. So how is that any different from the jocks and people who shit on us at home? How do you figure out what to wear that'll be right when we seem to not even know what color bootlaces we're supposed to wear. I didn't even know there was a code. Is there? If there is, what is it? We're all really bummed out about this. - Cotton.

Dear C-
I could tell you what the code for all the different color bootlaces is but there is just one problem: I would probably get it all wrong... That is because there is NO single universal code for this stuff - as much as people might tell you there is, trust me, there isn't. This is especially true because you didn't give me any idea what part of the country you were writing from or really even what country you're in. I'm just guessing it is the US or Canada based on the writing.

In some parts of the world for example, red shoelaces in your black Docs means that you're a communist or socialist, while in other subcultures it means you've spilled blood for your group's cause. In other places the color of laces doesn't mean anything - but the color of your suspenders (or "braces") means everything... or it doesn't. Or what you scrawl in white leather paint on the sleeve of your leather jacket means something... or it doesn't... or what color bandanna you have tied around WHICH boot (left or right) means something... or it doesn't.

See what I'm getting at here?

All that stuff, all those 'signifiers' of belief, stance, status, rank, what have you... no matter how carved in stone it might seem within one scene somewhere, you can almost bet that it has no relevance someplace even a few miles from where you're standing.

It is all about enforcing conformity... and some punk subcultures are as guilty of that as the most upper-crusty prep schools. All these things are a quick visual way of showing who 'belongs' and who doesn't... and if you're thinking to yourself "wait a second, I thought punk rock was about NOT conforming." ...you're right and you've stumbled upon a basic disconnect with the group-think that is created when ANY group of humans bands together... even when the people in that group think they're all free-wheeling Individuals with a capital "I."

We can't help it... Any group of humans will eventually organize around a basic principal of "us" and "them." ... I'm not saying that is good thing... It is actually probably one of our greatest flaws as a species.

Which of course means that this problem isn't going to go away any time soon, so you have a choice to make: Do you want to 'fit in' with these strangers just because they were hanging out at the all-ages club first, so THEY get to determine the dress code? ...or are you going to be true to yourself and dress as you please?

I say that with this disclaimer: Be prudent. You don't want to wear the wrong color in the wrong place if it is really going to get you physically hurt... shunned is OK, but there is no point in getting a beating (or worse) because you insist on wearing a certain color shoelace that makes the local goon squad go nuts. It would be like wearing the wrong gang color in the wrong neighborhood (which of course is an example of exactly what I was talking about.)

One of the most 'punk rock' guys I ever knew wore pennyloafers and a blazer to nearly every show... which was a pretty ballsy thing to do back then, or now.

If you're really trying to live for yourself, shouldn't you be dressing for yourself?

Rhymes with "Funky Drummer"

Dear Ask A Punk:
...so our drummer is totally rad. can pelt out awesome beats and solos and may be more of an icon than our guitarist. But we all promised no matter what, under all circumstances, for any and every reason we'd stay clean (not like straightedge- no sex no drink but we'd stay off drugs). So our drummer is one of the worst drug addicts i've ever seen and i've had personal experience with the homeless will do anything to get a hit group. What gets me is that she's violent really violent and she drops off the face of the earth, literally. like just last week her mom called me and asked if i'd drive her to the hospital because our drummer was in the hospital. We've tried talking to her and sending her to rehab but so far nothings held up. I could stand to lose her as a drummer but as a friend i couldn't bear it. Any ideas? -JSinner

DEAR JS
I have a bunch of ideas actually.
The first is to tell you that you don't have to worry about losing her as a friend... because you already have. From what you've described to me, it sounds like her best friend now is 'drugs' and, assuming she follows the standard trajectory (and believe me: she will) at some point soon drugs will be the only friend she has room for in her fast-crumbling life. All of those homeless-will-do-anything-for-a-fix "types" you mentioned didn't start out that way... They started out as people more-or-less just like your friend. They had other plans for their lives but due to what? genetics? trauma? funky brain chemistry? or some combination of all those factors (and others) once they decided to let drugs deal with their various inner pains, their lives went off the rails. As I've said before: Once they made that one choice, all the rest of their choices were/are made by the drugs.

I appreciate the loyalty and faith you have in your friend. No one is ever completely beyond hope for some form of redemption but, I have to warn you that your faith and your friendship are NO match for an addiction running at full gallop. I'm trying to save you possibly the next 7+ years of your life here... When addiction takes hold so firmly in someone so young, the problem is they have a lot of energy and youth to fall back on, so the trip to their true and final bottoming out can take a long long time... Are you willing to sacrifice your youth, your life and your band for all that?
...am I telling you to abandon your friend? No. I'm telling you to watch a few episodes of Intervention and figure out that 99% of the "help" that well-meaning friends and relatives offer to the addicts in their lives does nothing but keep the addiction going. Offer your friend every kind of help/support to get well... but realize, heck, expect, her to not want your help and to probably curse your name. This is the addiction speaking through your friend... and as long as IT is talking louder than her, then she isn't ready for help.... and if she isn't ready, realllly ready, then rehab etc won't help her a bit.

She has to see consequences. What I'm saying is - no matter how good a drummer she might be, you probably have to throw her out of the band... and be prepared if even that might not be enough to get her attention. The truth is - if she's already deep in the swamp of addiction her drumming certainly isn't going to improve... and chances are she'll start selling off pieces of her drum kit for drug money soon anyway... Believe me, I know how tough it is to find a good drummer... but do you really want your entire band to be a bunch of planets orbiting a junkie sun? You (as a band) will spend so much time and energy dealing with your F-ed up drummer that it'll cut into everything else: rehearsal, songwriting, playing gigs... You'll lose time and opportunities that you can't even imagine right now... as any self-respecting, self-absorbed junkie would make sure of it. They're such experts at self-sabotage they don't even notice the collateral damage (you, your band, your friendship) they cause on the way to their final tragic flameout. Is that really a ride you want to take?

I'm not sure how much else you can really do. You and your friend are both still minors [I edited some details out of the 'question' due to what I thought might be privacy issues.] so the ball is really in her parents' court... You said the mom called you for a ride to the hospital, so obviously you have a decent relationship with them... Talk to them about what they're seeing in your friend vs. what you're seeing. DO they have a plan of action for her? ...I know I'm making some assumptions, maybe her homelife is her biggest problem... but try not to automatically stand behind the generational banners on this one... Look at things as coolly as you can: What is her homelife like? Can you approach her parents with this stuff. Can you talk to your parents about this? I know you want to protect your friend and you're probably worried that your folks' automatic answer would be to cut you off from her... but remember, I suggested the same thing.

The sad truth is, your friend might pull out of this nosedive and she might not. The fact that there is really nothing you can do about it is the hard truth. Al-anon meetings might be a source of some information & strength for you... but othewise the number one rule of dealing with addicts in your life should be: Protect Yourself ...and by that I mean everything from protecting your money, person & property to protecting your time and your peace-of-mind.

Sorry if this sounded harsh, that wasn't my intention. I just had a vision of what the next decade of your life is going to look like if you think you can somehow have more influence over your friend and her choices than her drugs do... It isn't a pretty picture. Save yourself the heartache.

(no) Money For Nothing.

Dear Ask A Punk-

Seems like unless you're Lady GaGa or an 11 year old boy with fucked up hair, you can't make a living playing music anymore. My band has been together for seven years, we've put out a couple of EPs, we've got all the online stuff going that you're supposed to have these days. We seem to have actual 'fans' in places other than our hometown and all of that. But this Fall we did a van-tour and played something like 35 shows in about 42 days... and in the end after expenses and all were covered each of us in the band (there are four of us) took home maybe $400 or so each. For a month's worth of hard work. I'm actually thankful that the winter has been so bad that we haven't been playing out beyond the usual hometown gigs because it gives me a chance to clock some real hours and get out of my financial hole at my "day job" which I don't despise, but it certainly isn't my dream occupation - but I'm getting tired of this. How does a band "get to the next level"? or DOES a next level even exist anymore? - road dog(tired)

Dear RD(t):

That is a tough one my friend, but it isn't a new problem. You have to remind yourself that 'The Creative Life' comes with no promises that you'll ever really be able to live on your art, no matter what it might be. I currently live in Los Angeles. I see countless people who are undeniably talented and trained and dedicated to all kinds of creative endeavors... and at least 90% of them are not directly supporting themselves with their art... or if they are, they are living very frugal existences.

I count myself as part of that 90%. I've been writing this blog every week for 3 years and counting - but I'm not exactly fending off book or movie deals .... or even advertisers. I played in bands for years too - but back then none of us ever expected to make a living at punk rock - heck, the few times I got paid anything I remember being sort of stunned. I don't play in bands any more, but I always have a guitar out, tuned and ready to play. I write something EVERY day - a script, a song, a blog post, whatever... and I work on creative projects of my own in every medium and genre you can think of (except maybe drawing/painting, good god, I can't draw to save my life.) Sometimes I make money at these endeavors, often times I don't... but I can't imagine not doing them. I can't stop myself from doing them... even when the feedback is bad or (more often) non-existent.

We fall in and out and back in of love with our various creative endeavors, sometimes in the course a single day, and usually that 'falling out' of love is caused by frustration at the lack of interest from the outside world. Our heads start to hurt from all that banging on walls... believe me I know the feeling... but you have to ask yourself if you would be even more miserable if you stopped. Was your plan, from day one, really to be a rich (punk) rock star? ...or did you just want to get up on stage (any stage) and have your loud say ? Can you find joy in the process - everything from rehearsing with your bandmates, to writing new songs to doing your band-related 'online' stuff? If yes, then you haven't lost the spark of what drew you to the creative life in the first place. If no, well, you've got some soul-searching to do. No one is forcing you to do this stuff, and if you want to hang it up and take some accounting courses the world isn't going to mourn... but will you?

Think about it.

Good luck.

A reader responds to an answer I didn't give...

dear ask a punk-

I read you new post just now and itis bullshit. Why are you always telling people to get off drugs? Most punks do drugs or have done drugs and don't remind me about straightedge most of them give that up as soon as they turn 21 and can go to bars. You know I'm right and so why tell people otherwise. - Not Done.\

Dear ND-

Please re-read last week's question after you've gotten some sleep (note to readers: this email was time-stamped 3:48am)... then re-read my answer. You'll see that the person who wrote in said that she WANTED to quit. Her only question was about the best way to tell her family. Yeeesh. If it wasn't such a slow week in the ol' inbox, I would have ignored you and your question completely. It sounds to me like you're just trying to rationalize your own behavior / habits perhaps ??

Sure lots of people in punk bands were or are on drugs, so were/are a lot of metalheads, and jazz musicians etc etc and etc. You're right, but so what? What does that have to do with people who WANT to stop using drugs? Nothing. ...and besides, we don't know if she was a musician or even really a punk-rocker... While she is apparently a reader of this blog, she didn't identify herself as a punk.

I appreciate all of my readers and I greatly appreciate anyone who takes the time to write in with a comment or question, but come on man - pay attention.