This week's question is actually one of the many I received when I was on my long hiatus. I'm hoping that I'm not posting it, and my answer, too late to do any good.
Day 1: The band confronts me. sober for a drug test. I spent four hours locked in a room with my two bandmates. read the response post. I'm out of the band until I'm clean. and I can't play til my shoulder heals. I just found out my parents divorced, my grandmother died and my cousin got married. second realization - I was too high to care.
Day 2: smoking a blunt talking to my lead singer somewhat sober. Talked to him on the phone for four minutes. shortest convo ever.,, my band, my best friends have stopped talking to me.
Day 2.5 (two am): woke my mom up and gave her a size ten box that used to contain calf high combat boots. so many packets and small boxes of shit I can't close the lid. walked around the house for three hours and went to leave found three more packets in my boot, and one in my glove don't remember putting htem there.
I went to school on friday - first time this year. Plan to go on monday but withdrawals starting to set in so not sure how that will go. I just read a notebook that was on my bed... i'm a great artist. I apparently write and draw compulsively. problem is I don't remember doing any of it. I've apparently replaced my drug addiction with skim milk, ive gone through five gallons in two hours. my moms getting pissed but happy at the same time. my entire mouth hurts which is kind of a bith but I'm sober ...and I'm staying that way.
so uh thanks, I guess. still have yet to talk to jami
Your email - reprinted here exactly as I received it - was all over the map, but all the talk of "packets" and "withdrawals" makes it seem pretty clear that we're talking about heroin addiction here and the self-delusion is starting to reach some dangerous levels. "Smoking a blunt" and "somewhat sober" are two states of being that can't exist at the same time - and please, cannabis supporters, don't flood me with hate mail. I know weed and heroin are two very different things... I'm talking about the addict mindset here. I'm talking about someone who is trying to convince me that he is "apparently a great artist" (a classic addict's dodge) who thinks that somehow makes him special in the eyes of Heroin. It doesn't, and heroin doesn't care about what you think you are... it only cares about destroying you.
The tone of your email tells me that you're not ready to use the word "addict," ...while "too high to care" is fast becoming your mantra/epitaph. You're in serious trouble, but of course the heroin doesn't want you to know that. Getting tossed out of bands and being surprised by major family/life events like divorces and weddings sounds to me like you're so deep in an opium cocoon that pretty soon breathing will seem like too much of a hassle. ... and drinking five gallons of milk in a day isn't exactly a solid step on the road to recovery.
The last words of your email "I'm sober... and I'm staying that way" were at least hopeful, but probably impossible to stick to. I got no sense from your email that you really felt like you were in trouble (you are) or that you seriously wanted to get off the rollercoaster... and since I received your message several months ago, I can only wonder how much worse things have gotten.
You're so painfully young. You could save yourself decades of horror right now, if you really want to. Getting thrown out of your band is the least of your worries right now. Your only concern, really, should be this: Saving your F-ing life. Aside from the divorce, and the grocery bills, you don't mention your family at all. Where did the twin tendencies of addiction and self-destruction come from? What was/is your family like? Is there a history of addiction there? Not necessarily to H, but to booze, or pills or even scratch lottery tickets? Is there any help to be found there? ...assuming you're ready to admit that you need it?
You need to get some help from people who've been there. There are recovering addicts in NA and AA who would positively leap at the chance to help you, and to possibly save you from some of the horrors that they went through - and which surely await you. Trust me, as crappy as things seem now, they can get soul-shreddingly worse. In a hurry.
Forget the band for now. Seriously. If they haven't thrown you out already - quit. This stuff is more important... and if you're half as good as you say/think you are then you'll have no problem finding a new band when you're REALLY ready, because there are never enough drummers to go around... especially sober ones.