The Bantam Menace

Dear Ask A Punk - 
I don't have many friends, but I have a small steady crew that we've known each other since we were kids. We're not in a band, but we go to shows together and most weekends we're doing something because thats what friends do together and there aren't alot of things to do where I live. the problem is that one of my friends is constantly getting into problems and fights that he can never win, but he always thinks that we all will automatically back him up because we are his friends. He's like the smallest guy anyway and I know if I was him I wouldn't start trouble all the time. I'm not a pussy or anything but I don't want to be in some dumb fight every weekend just because he is being an asshxle to some people who I don't even know and probably wouldn't have had any problems with otherwise. What do you do here? We have told him to stop but he doesn't. Sometimes I just want to let him get his ass kicked or something. 
=no fight club

Dear NFC-
The first quick cliche' that most people would jump to here is that your friend has a Napoleon complex, that he is over-compensating for being so small by being an over-sized ass, but I don't tend to buy into that. I've known plenty of overly-aggressive, total assholes who were tall/huge. Automatically labeling your friend's issue as a Napoleon thing is sort of like the male/female double-standard. If I guy is pushy and driven he is somehow impressive, but if a woman exhibits the same characteristics, she is "a bitch."  It is a a little too reductive and "easy" to just throw these labels on human behavior.  I'm not saying your friend isn't an ass. I'm sure most people have had that one friend who is always causing trouble for everyone else - either by picking fights or by just coming up with really bad ideas that he (or she) expects everyone to be on board with. 

You have to try to figure out the real reasons why your friend is acting out. If he is small and yet still insists on starting trouble and picking fights with people he knows he can't beat, that sounds more like a self-destructive streak than anything else. When it is just you and him and the rest of your pals, with no tempting outside targets around, how does he act? Does he put out a lot of negativity about himself? Do you get the feeling he would punch himself in the face if he could? If yes, that might explain why he tries to find other people willing to do it for him. Figuring out where that impulse comes from would be the next step - and a lot more complicated. What are things like for him at home? Does he live in a personal war zone? If his home life is OK, what about his personal habits? - Is he drinking or otherwise medicating himself more than you might realize? As I asked earlier: How does his personality change when he is: 1) out in public, 2) hanging with just you and your friends and 3) when he is one-on-one with just you ?  Are there major differences between the three? I'm not saying you will be able to figure this stuff out, but it helps to at least try to figure out where his impulses are coming from. 


Getting back to your basic question: What can/should you do about it? Here are some steps to consider:

1) Sit down with him one-on-one, when he's got no "audience" and won't feel like he has something to prove - and when both of you are sober, then just ask him why he is acting out. The key here is to have specific examples. Don't just comment on his general behavior - Pick out the latest incident and ask him what happened. Let him talk. Let him talk a lot. Let him plow through the excuses I'm sure you always hear from him "They started it." etc. Then, as calmly as possible, tell him YOUR version of what happened because here is the thing: He probably isn't consciously lying to you. In his head his version of the incident is what really happened. You'll probably have to walk him through several examples. Your conversation probably won't go very well and he'll probably then try to pick a fight with you. Don't take the bait. 

2) After the one-on-one, if there still hasn't been any progress, you have to talk with the rest of your friends. You have to make sure they are all seeing the same things you are, because maybe your frustration with your friend is clouding your judgement of the situation. If everyone is on the same page, you have to decide what you're ALL going to do about it, and this is where it gets tricky. I understand that, once an incident has started, you can't just abandon your friend and throw him to the wolves, where he might actually get seriously hurt. What you can do is keep those situations from happening by not taking him along in the first place. I know this is very difficult territory. You're all friends and you live in a small place. I'm definitely not saying you should sneak around and not tell him - In fact I'm suggesting you do just the opposite. Tell him. Tell him you're all going out to a show or whatever and that you all want to have a good time without an altercation and that you don't trust him not to ruin your night. He'll call you all assholes. He'll tell you you're over-reacting. He might even apologize and swear that he won't start any trouble. Then you have to decide whether or not to believe him and bring him along anyway. 

The bottom line is: First you have to listen. You have to figure out if all this aggro nonsense is a symptom that your friend is in trouble or pain. Then you have to talk - directly - about what he has been doing and give him the chance to either listen and change or not. If the answer is "not" then you have to decide how badly you do or don't need him in your life. I know that sounds harsh. I know that friends have to stick together and accept each other for who they are... but I also know that you don't have to let their idiocy take your life hostage and maybe even put your life in real, physical danger. Friends are supposed to enrich our lives and make them better and we're supposed to do the same for them. If the relationship becomes a one-way street then guess what: You're not his friend. You're his pawn. You have every right to go out on a Saturday night with your friends and not have to brace yourself for war.

I'm not going to tell you that any of this is easy. In the past, even the recent past, I have had to disconnect from some very close friends for various, but serious, reasons. It can be heartbreaking ...and, truth be told - In the past some of my friends have likewise had to disconnect with me and, at the time, they were probably right to do so. You have a right to decide who you're going to surround yourself with. People who view your friendship as a given and as something they can then take advantage of will, sooner or later, turn on you anyway for not being supportive "enough." Save yourself the time, heartache and potential fistfights. Deal with this directly and humanely and then, if you have to - move on. There are seven billion people out there. You'll find more friends.

Waiting for my (wrong) man

This is another long-delayed response to a reader question sent in while AAP was in mothballs. After all this time, I hope it offers something useful.

Hello AAP-

Basically I met a crusty yesterday on the train. We were on our way to the beach to see the 4th of July fireworks. He was with his other crusty friends and I was by myself. I saw that he was staring at me but didn't think much of it... anyway, fast forward an hour later, we all get off to go to the beach and he left his friends behind so he could talk to me. He gave me his number, and we started talking about music. Pretty much we have very little in common but this guy was very, very likeable, funny, SMART and polite. The way he expressed himself so eloquently was very attractive. He had a lot of tattoos (some legit, others homemade) and then I got to asking him about his scars on his arms (they looked like the kind you get from shooting up too many times) but he said they were caused by mosquito bites (there really aren't THAT many mosquitoes in NYC this time of year). So I got to ask him what he does, and he told me he's pretty much a hobo. A few gigs here and there (he's in a band) and he also makes and sells his own art. He stuck around till I met up with my twin sister and then he told us to wait for him outside while he went to the restroom. Basically the plan was that he was gonna ditch his friends and hang with my "crew". As soon as he went to the bathroom my sister said, "ewww this guy is not your type, he looks like a friggin drug dealer and he stinks (which he didn't) so lets ditch him.". We left him behind, and I felt SO BAD for doing that! You see, the difference between my sister and I is that I don't judge people based on their appearance and she does so our groups of friends are very different.

I am 21 years old, currently going to NYU. I'm not rich by any means and I can only afford to go to school because of scholarships. What I do have in common with this guy is that we both had an alcoholic parent and our childhood environments were less than ideal. I don't really follow any subculture. The music I listen to is mostly mainstream (Nine Inch Nails, Marylin Manson, Alice in Chains, Nirvana, etc... is as mainstream as I get). He recommended some songs to me but to me, it's just sounds like a bunch of NOISE (no offense). His lifestyle choices aren't very healthy. He drinks a lot, smokes a lot (I have asthma, he told me he would quit) and we just seem very different. I really, really like him, and I've been trying to learn more about this crusty subculture but they don't seem to have a very good reputation. The back of the card he wrote his number on was a business card for LESC which stands for Lower Eastside Service Center which by the looks of it is for people who are in rehab/detox. I really don't know whether to pursue this relationship anyfurther because I have no idea what I'd be getting myself into. I have enough problems as it is (mom suffers from depression, dad from alzheimer's, and I take care of the both) and I don't want this to become a burden...

Sorry for the friggin novel I just wrote but I would really, really appreciate your advice!

M D

PS: By the way, he's 28 years old so there is a 7 year age difference.I believe that he's 28 but he looks like he's been to hell and back for a 28 year old. Sorry if this comes off as a stupid question but I've never seen a crusty in his/her 40's/50's. Is it something they grow out of? Why do they disappear? What happens to them? Many thanks.

Dear MD -

I'll answer your last question first: They either clean up, go to jail or die.

Although, like you,  I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt, regardless of their appearance - likely because, in the distant past, I tended to look a little shady myself - I think your sister might have helped you dodge a bullet here.

I'm sure you were accurate in your description of him. Many addicts are smart, funny & charming because they were all those things before they made that first, critical error: Thinking they were going to be the one who dabbles but doesn't get hooked. After that, all the smarts, charm and humor get focused on one or both of the following goals: securing drugs or securing money to buy drugs with. Period. I know this because some of the smartest and funniest people I've known were addicts, and very verrrrrry few of their stories ended well. Eventually the charm and humor fades and the intelligence becomes something shifty and unsavory.

I might catch some hell from some self-identifying "Crusties" but the truth is, a good percentage of people who call it their "punk subculture" are really, beneath the CRASS t-shirt and the tattoos, junkies and/or addicts on the edge. 

You even know that he clearly lied to you with his "mosquito bites" bullshit, but he still knew how to keep you talking and how to get you a bit closer. He was willing to so easily ditch his "friends" because he (and likely they) are always on the lookout for a new source of $ or dope. If you had let him into your life, I can promise you that within 24 hours your ipod would be oddly "missing" and he would have some fresh mosquito bites. And then you're both off to the races with him charmingly and perhaps even tearfully promising that it will never happen again (but it will,) and you going through a laundry list of attempts to help/fix/change him (which you won't.)

The bigger question is: Why were you attracted to this guy in the first place? Luckily the answer is pretty simple: Because his energy was so familiar. You said you grew up with an alcoholic parent (exactly the sort of useful information I rarely get in reader questions) ... so guess what? That means you're wired to seek out these sorts of people. The kind of people who will supply the chaos that the children of alcoholics & addicts often mistake for love and relationships.

I hope you threw away the card and ran screaming in the other direction.

Not So Mello

This week's question is actually one of the many I received when I was on my long hiatus. I'm hoping that I'm not posting it, and my answer, too late to do any good.

Dear AAP
Day 1: The band confronts me. sober for a drug test. I spent four hours locked in a room with my two bandmates. read the response post. I'm out of the band until I'm clean. and I can't play til my shoulder heals. I just found out my parents divorced, my grandmother died and my cousin got married. second realization - I was too high to care.

Day 2: smoking a blunt talking to my lead singer somewhat sober. Talked to him on the phone for four minutes. shortest convo ever.,, my band, my best friends have stopped talking to me.

Day 2.5 (two am): woke my mom up and gave her a size ten box that used to contain calf high combat boots. so many packets and small boxes of shit I can't close the lid. walked around the house for three hours and went to leave found three more packets in my boot, and one in my glove don't remember putting htem there.
I went to school on friday - first time this year. Plan to go on monday but withdrawals starting to set in so not sure how that will go. I just read a notebook that was on my bed... i'm a great artist. I apparently write and draw compulsively. problem is I don't remember doing any of it. I've apparently replaced my drug addiction with skim milk, ive gone through five gallons in two hours. my moms getting pissed but happy at the same time. my entire mouth hurts which is kind of a bith but I'm sober ...and I'm staying that way. 

so uh thanks, I guess. still have yet to talk to jami
-Mello (seriously)

Dear Mello
Your email - reprinted here exactly as I received it - was all over the map, but all the talk of "packets" and "withdrawals" makes it seem pretty clear that we're talking about heroin addiction here and the self-delusion is starting to reach some dangerous levels. "Smoking a blunt" and "somewhat sober" are two states of being that can't exist at the same time - and please, cannabis supporters, don't flood me with hate mail. I know weed and heroin are two very different things... I'm talking about the addict mindset here. I'm talking about someone who is trying to convince me that he is "apparently a great artist" (a classic addict's dodge) who thinks that somehow makes him special in the eyes of Heroin. It doesn't, and heroin doesn't care about what you think you are... it only cares about destroying you. 

The tone of your email tells me that you're not ready to use the word "addict," ...while "too high to care" is fast becoming your mantra/epitaph. You're in serious trouble, but of course the heroin doesn't want you to know that. Getting tossed out of bands and being surprised by major family/life events like divorces and weddings sounds to me like you're so deep in an opium cocoon that pretty soon breathing will seem like too much of a hassle. ... and drinking five gallons of milk in a day isn't exactly a solid step on the road to recovery. 

The last words of your email "I'm sober... and I'm staying that way" were at least hopeful, but probably impossible to stick to. I got no sense from your email that you really felt like you were in trouble (you are) or that you seriously wanted to get off the rollercoaster... and since I received your message several months ago, I can only wonder how much worse things have gotten. 

You're so painfully young. You could save yourself decades of horror right now, if you really want to. Getting thrown out of your band is the least of your worries right now. Your only concern, really, should be this: Saving your F-ing life. Aside from the divorce, and the grocery bills, you don't mention your family at all. Where did the twin tendencies of addiction and self-destruction come from? What was/is your family like? Is there a history of addiction there? Not necessarily to H, but to booze, or pills or even scratch lottery tickets? Is there any help to be found there? ...assuming you're ready to admit that you need it?

You need to get some help from people who've been there. There are recovering addicts in NA and AA who would positively leap at the chance to help you, and to possibly save you from some of the horrors that they went through - and which surely await you. Trust me, as crappy as things seem now, they can get soul-shreddingly worse. In a hurry.

Forget the band for now. Seriously. If they haven't thrown you out already - quit. This stuff is more important... and if you're half as good as you say/think you are then you'll have no problem finding a new band when you're REALLY ready, because there are never enough drummers to go around... especially sober ones.

Good luck.

Small Town Punks

It is great to be up and running again here on AAP. Here is this week's question, with apologies if it sounds like I'm patting myself on the back:

Dear ASK A PUNK -  
I figured it would probably be a pretty good idea just to mail you and tell you that the blog (er.. whatever) is great! I've been searching for a site or something similar that covered mostly punk subjects. That search, being a major pain in the ass for a 16 year old newfound punk. The constant reminder from so many people that "punk is dead" was really almost getting to me (not that I'd give it up) until I found coincidentally within a 2 day period the Dead Kennedy's album Fresh Fruit for Rotting Vegetables and this site.

So, yeah, man. Really, a young small town punk who is the backbone of the total 2 man scene amongst an ocean of pop and "Post-Hardcore," anti-self expression fourth Reich bullshit wanted to tell you that you're great for doing what you do! Maybe a few question answers are due, wouldn't you say?
But yes! Thank you very much for doing this and you better get back on top of it! As unlikely as it very well may seem, there are still some young people out there who need to know stuff. Word of mouth is a dead form of syndication so the internet's our next best choice.
Thanks a lot, man.
Cheers from an aspiring musician from Nowhere, New York
Have a good one! - LT
P.S. Sorry if anything here is less than coherent. I've drunk.

Dear LT -
Thank-you for checking in. I'm glad I left the site up during the hiatus and that some people were still finding it and reading it. I'm sorry it has taken so long to respond to your email, but here it is.

I came from a small town too, so I know you probably can't wait to escape the place. But instead of thinking of your current situation/life as some kind of purgatory to escape from - try thinking of it as an incubator you'll eventually emerge from. - The change in wording DOES make a difference. Don't sit around waiting for your life to start "once I'm out of this place" ...start it NOW. When I was discovering punk I had to go out looking for it... miles and miles and miles in every direction from my tiny-ass hometown, just to find a record store with a Ramones album. Now you can have it all delivered to your computer... take advantage of that. You said you're a punkrocker, but do you play an instrument? If not, WHY NOT?! You can go on youtube and find FREE guitar lessons, drum lessons, bass lessons, etc etc etc and of course there are 1000s of other resources - like my site or even Henry Rollin's column for LA Weekly - not that I'm comparing myself to him... or if you're anti-Rollins (and I understand some are) keep looking elsewhere. It is all out there, and it costs nothing. When you're ready to start recording your stuff you can do it at home - on 'garageband' if you have a MAC or, if you have a PC you can download (for free) a program called 'audacity' which is almost as feature-rich as Pro Tools. You and your generation don't HAVE to run off to 'The Big City' like we all had to... so take advantage of that. If your town doesn't have a "scene" guess what?  That means YOU are the scene. It is yours. Create it yourself. And...at the risk of sounding like your parents: stay in school, get that HS diploma ...and then you'll at least have the option of maybe escaping to a small college somewhere, or if not, at least you'll be better prepared for the long fight ahead (ie: life.)

I have caught a lot of crap here on AAP from people who said I wasn't punk-rock enough because I have a huge 'live and let live' streak - but I'll say this anyway: Even if the seemingly brain-dead pop and 'mainstream' folks have no respect for your music etc, try to find something redeeming in them and theirs... or ignore it, but don't REACT to it. Life is an F-ing struggle for EVERYone and even if it seems like 'they' all have their shit together etc... trust me: "They"  don't. "They" never really do. Everyone in their teens is shit-scared, they just use different tactics to hide it, and some are quite intimidating and impressive.

I won't judge on the under age drinking but I should warn you about it. I started at 16 but I've been sober since I turned 31... and that was a long time ago (I'm not quite as old as Rollins, but I'm close.) Be wary and try not to  throw all that new-found punk rock passion down the bottomless pit of illicit chemicals. There are too many bodies at the bottom of that pit already.

Stay Strong and again - thanks for visiting the site. Tell your friends.